Why does Bill Gates wear layer-up-on-layer of wooly jumpers?
Because he likes Soft-Ware!
Author: admin
Dangerous blonde
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back.
Locked Volkswagens
Two Volkswagens had their bumpers locked and the drivers were unsuccessfully trying to disengage them when a little old lady wino shuffled onto the scene.’Tell you what to do, boys,’ she cackled, ‘Throw a bucket of water on ’em!’
Thumb
A young couple goes to a restaurant and orders some food. The waiter brings the first dish and they notice that they have his the thumb stuck in the food. At first, they thought it was a distraction, but then they noticed that the waiter was doing this with every time he brought a dish, he would place his thumb on the food.
They were really upset about this but decided not to let it spoil their dinner. After they ate, they ordered some coffee and there came the waiter with his thumb placed in the coffee bowl. The young man, who was already pissed off, said: “Alright, that’s enough! Don’t you have manners?! Every time you bring us something you stick your finger in it?!”
The waiter, feeling a little bit uneasy, answers: “Well, sir, please forgive me, it’s just that I have a small tumor in my thumb, and the doctor said that I had to keep it warm so that the tumor would go away.”
Then the young guy loses all his patience and yells: “Then why don’t you stick your finger up your…”
“It was there, I only removed it so that I could serve you…” the waiter answered
I Nearly Pissed Myse
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ ‘Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.’ Jack thought to himself, ‘This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made.’ ‘Okay Bob. you’re on.’ Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, ‘Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.’ Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. ‘What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.’ ‘Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.’ ‘Yeah, what about him.’ ‘Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn’t you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.’
Model Nun
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
“That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.
“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.
“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.
“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
“Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”
“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.
“Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
“Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”
The Czech is in the male
There was once a very rich lawyer who owned a large house up in
Washington state. Every summer, he would have a friend come by
for a visit, and this year, he chose a fellow lawyer from the
Czech Republic.
The were having a great time. Every day, they would wake up
early and collect berries for their breakfast, then they would
compare cases they’d worked on, then they might take a walk in
the woods or play a round of golf. But, one day, as they were
picking berries, a male bear and female bear came by. The male
said to his wife “I think the one on the left looks really
tasty.” So, he gobbled up the Czech lawyer whole.
The other lawyer ran to his house and phoned Animal Control and
told them to come over to shoot a bear that had eaten his
friend. They cmae as fast as they could, and the frantic lawyer
told them everything.
“My friend had flown in from the Czech Republic, and he was just
staying here with me, and we were picking berries, when these
bears came by and one of them ate him!”
“Okay, just calm down sir, which bear was it?” asked one of the
Animal Control specialists. “The boy bear!” screamed the lawyer.
So, the specialist took aim, and shot the female bear dead.
“What are you doing? I told you that it was the male bear!”
asked the lawyer.
The Animal Control specialist looked at the lawyer and said
“Yeah, who ever trusts a lawyer when they say the Czech is in
the male?”
Milking Cows
The farmer showed the city labourer how to milk the cows and sent him into the fields.”How many did you milk?” he asked when the labourer came back.”Twenty, but there’s one thing…””What’s that?””I think you should have given me a bucket.”
If a month would be 24 hrs
If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day
and women would bleed to death.
Population Control
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn’t worn the sheath.The interpreter said, “He swears he did wear it. He never took it off.”The doctor shook his head. “In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?””He says,” said the interpreter, “that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off.”
Estaba Julieta en la cama
Estaba Julieta en la cama con dos hombres, cuando de pronto llega Romeo al castillo, entra en la rec�mara y los encuentra en una org�a infernal.
Enfurecido, y espada en mano grita:
“�Qu� significa esto?, �decid vuestros nombres y sacad vuestras espadas para cortar vuestras huevadas!”
Al no tener respuesta vuelve a decir:
“�Decid vuestros nombres y sacad vuestras espadas para cortar vuestras huevadas!”
En eso uno se levanta y dice:
“Yo soy Don Juan de Hinojosa, el de la pinga m�s hermosa que todo culo destroza.”
Y el otro dice:
“Yo soy Don Juan Tenorio el cachero m�s notorio de todo el territorio.”
En eso que empezaba la pelea se levanta Julieta y grita.
“�Parad la lucha, parad la lucha…! �Qu� para todos hay Chucha!”
Cup of Coffee
There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning.
So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.
While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is “why”. The kid answered, “Grandma always said, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup’!”