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The Top 14 Best Uses of a Time Machine

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14> Stop at 1995, pick up Jeff Gillooly, then continue on to September 1986 and pay a little visit to Bill Buckner.

13> “Noah! About the cockroaches… can we talk?”

12> OK, let’s admit it: We’re ALL thinking blackmail here.

11> Write “Geraldo sucks!” on every page of a leather-bound journal and place it in Al Capone’s vault.

10> Two words: Brontosaurus tipping

9> Screw the moral high ground. I’m going back to 1988 and nail that drunken cheerleader!

8> Prevent my grandfather from buying those pants.

7> Walk around telling crazy homeless people all about the future, just for kicks.

6> 9-month supply of Thalidomide milkshakes for the expectant Frau Hitler.

5> Mmm… Dodo-licious.

4> Travel to 1971 to save JFK. Then back to high school history class and pay attention this time.

3> Introduce Yoko Ono to Peter Frampton; kill two birds with one stone.

2> “While celebrating a successful bombing raid over Japan today, a young Navy pilot named George Bush was accidentally shot in the testicles by an unidentified fellow soldier.”

1> Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN — 1,2,3 (943rd #1, Hat Trick!, Topic, RU & HM Names, Hall Of Famer, List Owner)

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

George W. Bush Meets Moses

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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white
robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff
in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again,
“Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in
the desert!”

En una fiesta, estaba Pepito

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En una fiesta, estaba Pepito en el ba�o haciendo “pip�” cuando entra su pap�, todo borracho:

“A un lado mocoso.”

Pepito se hace a un lado y se ponen a orinar los dos juntos, entonces el papa agarr�ndose la pija, le dice:

“Mira Pepito, de aqu� saliste.”

A lo que Pepito, agarr�ndose su pija le contesta: “Papi, papi, mira lo que tra�as adentro.”

Valentine’s Day

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Hearts and roses and What the hell is al People get mushy and st It is definatley the most annoying This day needs to get the hell ov Before i shove a dozen rose I’ll spend the day so dru And wear all black for the Guys act all sweet, but i For all they are doing is tr The arrow Cupid shot at me m Because I think love is So heres my story…what Love bites my ass…Fuck Valentines Day!

Un d�a una mujer fue

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Un d�a una mujer fue a comprar una cotorra y muy contenta se la llev� a su casa, luego surgi� una emergencia y tuvo que ir con la cotorra a una tienda de mascotas, pero la cotorra se qued� en el carro…

En eso la cotorra encendi� la radio y la primera canci�n fue: “En la playa est�, en la playa est�…”, la siguiente cancion fue: “El a�o que viene, el a�o que vieneee…”, despu�s vino: “Acomp��ame, acomp��ame…” y la otra fue: “Igual que tu, igual que tuuuuuuu”.

Entonces vino un polic�a y se acerc� a la cotorra y le dijo: “�D�nde est� tu due�o?” y la cotorra, acord�ndose de las canciones le contest�: “En la playa est�, en la playa est�.”

“�Y cuando regresa?”

“El a�o que viene, el a�o que vieneeeee.”

“�Ay cotorra vete pal’ infierno!”

“Acomp��ame, acomp��ame…”

Y el polic�a dice: “�Cotorra est�pida, metiche!”

A lo que la cotorra le contesta: “�Igual que tu, igual que tu!”

Its Time to Learn Bridge

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A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper and when asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called “Bridge” and last night there were a lot of folks there. As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a man say, “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got”.

Then another man said, I’ve got strength but no length”. Than another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick”. I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady answered “You forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise”. “Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I got my hat and coat as I was leaving I hope to die…if one of them didn’t say “I guess I’ll go home now; this is the last rubber”.

Then I fainted out cold!