One day a girl and her mom were in the mall and saw two people making out. The little girl asked her mom,”What are those people doing.”Making cupcakes.” Then one night the girl’s mother and father go downstairs on the couch and make love. The next morning the little girls goes to her mother and says,”This morning when I went to watch TV I found icing on the couch and ate it>
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Puppies!!!
there was a blonde a brunet and a redhead.they are all driving to the hospital because all were pregnant.
the redhead says,”im gonna have a boy.” the brunet says,”im gonna have a girl” then the blonde starts crying and says,”im having puppies!!”
Winning Lotto
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray”God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Jacob goes back to the synagogue.”God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!Back to the synagogue.”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???”.Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:”JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET
CORPORATE TRUTHS
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.
Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.”Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?””No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”
Hickbonics!
Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI — noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”
BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH — noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR — noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS — noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE — noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD — Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”
FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.
ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN — adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn
country.”
DID — adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breath … give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE — a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”
SEED — verb, past tense.
VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”
George W. Bush was driving Vladimir
George W. Bush was driving Vladimir Putting around in a pickup truck on his
Texas ranch, when Putting suddenly said: “look, a dead bird!”
George stuck his head out the window, looked up into the sky, and asked:
“where?”
Two Quickies.
Q: What’s long, black, and never ends?
A: The unemployment line!
Q: What can’t you give a black person?
A: A black eye, fat lip, or a job!
A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes…
A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. “Eeek!” says she.
“Oh, I used to have toe-lio,” says he. “You mean polio?” “No,
toe-lio.” So they continue.
When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. “Eeek!” says she. “Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles,” says he. “You mean measles?” “No, knee-sles.” Still
undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, “Don’t tell
me! Small-cocks!”
Don’t arrest the judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?””That it is, “Irish Mike replied grimly, “ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.””You mean you pinched his honor?” asked Pat.”How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” demanded Mike.”Well,” mused Pat, “there’s a lesson in this somewhere.””That there is,” replied Irish Mike….” ‘Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.”
Understanding Englis
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.”Hello,” he said.” Do you understand English?””Only a little,” she answered.”How much?” he asked.”Fifty dollars,” she replied.
Dwarves in Vegas
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get it up, if you know what I mean.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even jump up on the bed!”