There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days — �Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then on the third day, skip.� So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, �How is your diet?� She said, �Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me tired.�
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From the Movies (part 2)
Things You Learn From the Movies! (part 2)
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
7. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
10. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
11. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.
Hindu, Jew and Attorney Traveling
There is a Hindu man, a Jewish man, and an attorney traveling in
a car down a backroad when, all of a sudden, their car stops
running. They walk down the road looking for help.
Finally, they come upon a farmhouse. By now it is pretty late so
they ask the farmer if they can spend the night. He says sure,
but one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu man
said he can sleep in the barn, and that it is not a problem.
Everybody goes to sleep.
Pretty soon they are awakened by a pounding on the door. It is
the Hindu man. He says, “I am sorry, but I can’t sleep in the
barn because there are cows out there.”
So the Jewish man stands up and says he can sleep in the barn,
and that it is not a problem. Everybody goes back to sleep.
Once again they were awakened with pounding on the door. It’s
the Jewish man. He says, “I am sorry, but I can’t sleep in the
barn because there are also pigs out there.”
So the attorney says he’ll sleep in the barn and they all go
back to sleep.
Again, there is heavy pounding on the door and when the farmer
opens the door he sees the cows and the pigs.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked…
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Dear God (Christmas)
Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.
Johnny goes to his mother and demands, “Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!” To this his mother replies, “Yea, right, … Santa’s not comming to THIS house you little brat, you’ve stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you’ll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.”
Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again… “No, that won’t work. God will know I’m lying.” So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I’ll wash Mom’s dishes for all year… “No, that won’t work. God will know I’m lying.” So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:
Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas…
Light mouse work.
Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A: Light mouse work.
#50 willy
What are the 3 advantages of having a #50 note tattoed on 2 ur penis
1 u can play with ur money
2 u can watch ur money grow
3 ur wife can blow as much money as she wants!
A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.””Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Justice system
Pope said he’s worried about the declining number of priests in the United States.
On the other hand, it shows that our justice system is working.
If Women Ruled the World……
If Women Ruled the World…
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he’s
breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity
“Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily
clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for one
of the credit.
Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks”
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no
pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re
beautiful”, “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit”.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old
for six weeks.
Q: How many Canadians
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
You’re next
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”