Yours Fun Portal !
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gretel!
Gretel who!
Gretal long little doggie…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Guinea!
Guinea who!
Guinea a break!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Guinevere!
Guinevere who!
Guinevere going to get together!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gus!
Gus who!
Gus you don’t want to play?!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Guthrie!
Guthrie who!
Guthrie three blind mice!
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for
“Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
“I brought a Walkman.”
“And what is it for?”
“You can listen to music with it!”
“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?”
“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”
“Well done, Kenny.
Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”
“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”
“It’s a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”
“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”
“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!'”
A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the
eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a
class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the
importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced,
“This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It’s often possible by tasting it
to determine the disease from which the patient suffers.”
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking, “Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you
please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this
techinque and diagnose the case.”
The bottle madeit’s way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his
finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying,
“Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had
you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle
but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!”
In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man’spenis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, theyconcluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to givethe Man more pleasure during sex.After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study.After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that thereason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex.The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent$13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) andconcluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hittinghim in the forehead.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I
did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first
base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that,
you�ve been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I
did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it
with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With
volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I
chased her ”round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I
wouldn”t, even with my wife And Jennifer Flowers” tale of woes Was paid for by
my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of
party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I
did not do it last November But if I did, I don”t remember I did not do it in
the hall I could have, but I don”t recall I never did it in my study I never
did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have -once with
Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no
sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little
feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least,
not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count,
if we stayed dressed It never happened with a cigar I never dated Mrs.Starr I
did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama
taught me I tried to hide, but now you”ve caught me But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never
did inhale
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
Two gays decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”
The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
Un taca�o padre le pide a su hijo:
“Anda, hijo, ve a decirle al vecino que nos preste el martillo para clavar un clavo”.
El peque�o va con el vecino y vuelve enseguida.
“Pap�, pap�, dijo el vecino que no nos puede prestar el martillo porque se le gasta”.
“�Piedra desgraciado, hay que ver lo taca�o que son algunos! �Bah! �Ach… est� bien, entonces trae el nuestro!”
Women are under the illusion they don’t have to ask men for anything – that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through. Ironically, however, men like to feel needed – like they’re her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn’t even read a map, how’s he going to read a mind?How To Ask A Man To Do Something*————————————–*Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:1. Make sure the man is conscious.2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.6. Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt”. OK, Here are the six rules.************************The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man*————————————–*How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use “would you” and “will you” instead of “could you” and “can you”. For example:Do say: would you please take out the garbage?Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun’s evil twin the next minute? Do it or I’ll do it FOR you!!Do say: would you like to take a vacation?Do not say: could you move out?Do say: would you get out of my life?Do not say: could you get out of my life?Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.
Your momma so nasty she charges $10 for sex, gives ya lice, when ya come
back to complain she says – “For $10 what do ya expect, lobster?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at
the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,”
replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a
living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked
Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.