Dear Abby:
… This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband
said “I Will” he knew damn well he couldn’t.
Author: admin
God Is White?
Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Here’s the proof:�To Moses he said “I am what I am”. If He were black, He’d have said “I be what I be.”
Men and trust.
Men — are you sure you can trust something that bleeds for seven days and
still lives?
New Rooster
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster “Ok, old fellow its time to retire.”The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens…look at what it did to me!”The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this.Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”The young rooster says “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over.”So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what young fellow. I’ll have a race with you around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.”The young rooster says, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair I’m going to give you a head start.”They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken to cluck “GO” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, “Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this week!”
These 3 guys
There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that they’ve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.
The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said “I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night.” and the guy on the right said “Me too” and the guy in the middle said “I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!”
Six times Six
A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.
She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ” Mister, I’m broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I’m out of a place to live. I’ll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can’t come up with a reply to.”
The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.
So she tells him, “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.”
The man scratches his head and says, “your right, I can’t top that.” and he pays her the five dollars.
Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.
On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says “your on”
Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.
The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can’t piss in mine!!”
Education for women
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
Famous Sports Quotes.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)
John Kallam graduated with a
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S.
Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930’s. He was
an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals,
and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces
in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal
justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950’s at the
rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what
was then Fresno State College. (Later to become the California State
University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten
years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s
degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded
that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years
of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient
qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold
a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a
favor by letting him keep his job by getting “only” a master’s degree.
So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college.
Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study
would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped
when he read John’s name. “Are you related to the John Kallam who
wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.
“I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the
dry response.
Doughnut
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
I’ve got a doughnut stuck up my butt!
Dead cat
A little boy went up to his mum one day and said: “guess what
mummy? I found a dead cat!” So his mum said “are you sure it’s
dead?”
The little boy said – “yes! I know it’s dead because i pissed in
its ear and it didn’t wake up!”
“You did WHAT??!!!” Exclaimed his mother.
“you know” said her son “i went pssst in its ear and it didn’t
stir!!”
Embarrassing Moments
The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment’s Contest in New Woman Magazine.
“It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn’t get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn’t believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me – some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors.” -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ “The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter” -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. “As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ My entire family – aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins – and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. “Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.” -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York