I’m not as think as you drunk I am
Author: admin
Betty Crocker
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?�
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He just looked at her and said, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!
Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.”
“Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband.
“No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him.” she said.
“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband.
“Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A blonde and a brunette are pushed out of an airp
Q. A blonde and a brunette are pushed out of an airplane. Which one hits the
ground first?
A. The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Re-election campaign
Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband, and
was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign?
Andrew Jackson
En una fiesta, un ni�o
En una fiesta, un ni�o mimado insiste en que quiere un globo. La abuela coge una silla para alcanzarlo, pero en el momento que estira la pierna para subirse se le sale un pedo. El nieto comienza a llorar:
“�Ya no quiero un globo, ya no quiero un globo!”
Molesta, la abuela le pregunta:
“�Entonces qu� quieres?”
“�Ahora quiero la cornetita!”
If you stand in one
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
Un tipo acude a una
Un tipo acude a una taquer�a mexicana. Al verlo, el taquero le pregunta:
“�De qu� quiere su taco?”
“Deme uno de oreja”.
Entonces, el taquero toma un filoso cuchillo y le corta una ojera al parroquiano; la pica, la pone en una tortilla y le consulta:
“�Lo quiere con chile?”
“�No, no, no!”, dice el parroquiano, bajando las manos y protegi�ndose la zona p�bica. “�A m� no me gusta el picante!”
What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.”It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”
True Story
True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:
We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a ‘kiddy harness’ to keep track of him, since he’s an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.
As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, “Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.”
Alex promptly looked at him and said, “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!”
Etheopian Jokes
What do you call an etheopian with an afro?
A microphone.
What do you call an etheopian with a big toe?
A golfclub.
What do you call an etheopian with a penny on its head?
A nail.
How many etheopians can you fit in a tub?
None. They all keep going down the drain.
What do you call an etheopian with three teeth missing?
A rake.
Clinton’s favorite baseball team?
Q: What’s Clinton’s favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
The Top 10 Tips for Temporary Bachelors
When Mom and the kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we’d offer some help…
10> Don’t use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.
9> It’s not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.
8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.
7> Don’t rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.
6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.
5> Socks first, *then* shoes.
4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.
3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make “self-cleaning spaghetti.”
2> Never wash the youngest’s clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.
1> Check your wife’s underwear drawer; if it’s empty, she’s not coming back.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]