What My Mom Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your
eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your
spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think
that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat
your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your
father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were
born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to
be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your
father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it
when we get home.”

and the all time favorite thing–JUSTICE “One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see
what it’s like.”

Ashes to Ashes

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, ‘What’s this?’ She says, ‘Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.’ He turns beat red in horror and goes, ‘Geez, oh, er…I…’ She says, ‘Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.’

Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”

“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.

“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.

“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Corpsalicious!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the
professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensics�. First:
Don’t fear anything.”
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus
and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger.
Thus, I licked my index finger.”

The Big Shake-up!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone
he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a
week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay,
now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –
“Pizza delivery guy”.

Blondies

Man: I hear that the workers are on strike for shorter hours.
Blonde: Good–I always thought that 60 minutes was too long for
an hour.

Woman: I see you are taking French lessons–why is that?
Blonde: I’ve adopted a French baby and I want to be able to
understand him as soon as he talk.

Very Proud Mother: My son has been walking ever since he was 7
months old!
Blonde: Wow, really?!
Mother: Yes!
Blonde: Well, he must be awfully tired!!

Dallas Cowboys

Q:What do you say to a Dallas Cowboy in a suit?

A:And how does the defendent wish to plead?

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?

A: A huddle

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who’s driving?

A: The police

Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get in a huddle on the field anymore?

A: It’s a parole violation to associate with known felons.

Grandpa gets exited!

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming : “My penis just died, my penis just died!”

The nurses calm him down,and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him: “I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?”

Grandpa replies: “Yes, it did… but today is the viewing!”

Celibacy test

Three young candidates who want to enter into religious life are told that they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The religious leader leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell…”Oh Albert,” says the religious man, “I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” As Albert leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell… “Joshua, Joshua,” sighs their elder.”You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.” The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. “Richard, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor.”Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower.” *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…