First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don’t open it –it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them.But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven’t yet received it? 1) You have no friends2) Even mail handlers think you are too prudish for the contents3) You are receiving this by smoke signals4) You wrap your computer in latex, for protection5) Your computer is powered by a Z806) You’re still looking for the any keyHmm any other thoughts?
Author: admin
The chicken
why did the chicken cross go by the underpass?
FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS
A Virginia inmate tried to sue him for $5 million on the grounds that he had
gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a
crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were
violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal
Service.
An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not
say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices
were secret.
A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the
Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and
suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an
unqualified barber.
An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison
employees held for a guard leaving his job.
A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only
serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”
An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness.
Go that Way
One day Hitler, Saddam, and Bin Laden went to a gate to see if their going HEAVEN orHELL Hitler told this one guy that he started a war. Then the guy said to go to the left. Then Saddam said bush wanted me to start a war. Then the guy said ok go to the right. Then Bin Laden said i accidently blew up a plain. Then the guy said go right. Hitler said hey why are they going to heaven? then the guy said because they didnt do anything bad. Then Hitler said can i go warm up their place?
Iban Paco y Pepe en
Iban Paco y Pepe en un auto, de viaje, Paco y Pepe. Paco mientras manejaba, llegaron a una parte del camino en la cual hab�an puras curvas, y en cada curva, Pepe dec�a: P�o, p�o, p�o, p�o… en la siguiente curva p�o, p�o, p�o, p�o… y as� todo el camino.
Cuando llegaron a su destino, Paco le pregunta a Pepe:
“Oye Pepe, �por qu� te viniste todo el camino haciendo Pio, Pio?”
Y Pepe le responde:
“Lo que ocurre es que mi padre se mat� en una curva y no alcanz� a decir ni p�o al momento de morir.”
Green balls
What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
complete controll of a leperchan!
Blonde Slut
Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d had the previous night with this guy she brought home.”Well, what happened when you got there?” Jill asked”The bastard called me a blonde slut!” Mary said.”And what did you do then?” Jill asked, shocked.”I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!”
“Over Here”
Q: What is Clinton’s favorite war song?
A: “Over Here”
Doctor�s prognosis
One day John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said. “The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. “No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teen age daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teen age daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar.
He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour.
Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smart ass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”
My wife
this guy walks into a bar and orders a shot.the bartender gives it to him.the guy pays for it gulps it down. he orders a second pays for it gulps it down and this time looks into his pocket.after about the seventh drink he looks into his pocket gets up and leaves. well the bartender being curious asks him why he kept looking in his pocket.the guy says i got a picture of my dear old wife in there, when she starts looking good i know its time to go home.
Another Anthrax Scare
CORVALLIS, OREGON: Oregon State football practice was delayed yesterday for two hours.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Dennis Erickson immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
New Policy on Twelve Days…
New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ”Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days