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Jerry was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy. When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to Jerry,”We’re going to have sex! You want to be the Mommie or the Daddie?”
A very terrified Jerry replied, “Uh, well, I guess I’ll be the Daddie.”
Then the burley guy said, “OK then, get down here and suck your Momma’s dick!”
Yo mamma is so dumb she thought a pizza inn was a hotel.
An old man and an old lady went in the doctor’s office to get their yearly
exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information from them. He then
told the old man that he needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample. The
old man turned to the old lady and asked her what the doctor said.
“He needs a pair of your underwear.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ima!Ima who?Ima girl who can’t say no…!
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer “if I can guess how many sheep in you’re flock will you give me a sheep.”
The farmer says “OK”.
The brunette says “485”.
The farmer says “that’s right but if I can guess you’re natural hair color can I have my sheep back”.
the brunette says “OK”.
The farmer says “blonde”.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
Economics is ruining your life when…
– I tried to calculate my 3 year old son’s discount rate by seeing how many
sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to
one sweet before dinner
– I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could
be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles.
99 little bugs in the code,99 bugs in the code,Fix one bug, compile it again,101 little bugs in the code.101 little bugs in the code,101 bugs in the code,Fix one bug, compile it again,103 little bugs in the code.
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women – Part II
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don’t worry about germs.
Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and
the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster.
You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
Dogs can’t talk.
Dogs aren’t catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they’re arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
You might be a redneck if…You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music. You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick. You can chew your own toenails.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles. You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty. You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.Your mama has more tattoos than you do. You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples. Your whole family sleeps in the same bed. You consider your annual bath one too many. You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
Freeman’s Commentary on Ginsberg’s theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg’s Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis