Calling for the Wife

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out in intervals, “Crisco, Cris-co!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 5.”

“Oh,” replied the gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco. I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named ‘Crisco’?”

“No,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”

“Lard Ass!!!!!”

Saurkraut

A doctor had an affair with his nurse and a few months later,
she became pregnant. He told her to go to Germany and send a
postcard reading SAURKRAUT when she had the baby. One day, his
wife called and told him that he had received a very strange
postcard. He came home, read it and fell over dead. The wife
read it and it said:

SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT

2 WITH WEINERS, 2 WITHOUT

Ruqsian Couple

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain, he said”.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”.

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”, to which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”!

Q: How many Democratic

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: (Bruce Babbitt) It’s foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven’t even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.

Party in the kingdom

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, “How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!”The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. “There!”, he said and vanished.All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.The king looked about him. “Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?”, he said.”I will, sir!”, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn’t! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom’s wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him. “How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn’t get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?”The boy looked up at the king and replied, “Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.”

The Perfect Day (according to him and her)

The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained
30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big
hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

A very successful businessman had a meeting…

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I
love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To
show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck
behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a
money making organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in
an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”