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Un desnudista que camina por una playa solitaria se detiene ante unos letreros que advierten:
�Cuidado con los homosexuales!
�Cu�dese de los gays!
�Prot�jase de los p�jaros!
El hombre, sorprendido, se dice a s� mismo:
“�C�mo que me cuide de los homosexuales, si esta playa est� solitaria?”
El tipo no hace caso y sigue su paseo. Metros despu�s, ve un letrerito muy peque�o que despierta su curiosidad. Cuando se agacha a leerlo, ve el siguiente mensaje:
�SE LO ADVERTIMOS!
How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
Your a redneck if sailors have to tell your grandma to watch her mouth.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two
men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
How many Packers fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three–one to screw in the new one and two to talk about how great the old one was.
3 guyz get captured by canibals and the canibals took the 3 guyz 2 the king canibal deep within a forest. The king canibal says,”we will not eat you guyz on one condition, if each of you can get 10 of the same fruits and stick them up your butt hole without making any facial expression, we will let you live.” So the 3 guyz went out into the forest to find fruits. The first guy came back with 10 apples and came back to the king. He started sticking the apples up his but, 1, 2, 3, one pops out and he yelled,”ouch!! So they ate him and he died. The second guy came back with grapes, he started sticking them up his butt, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9….. he laughed. so he got eaten and died. The 2 guyz met in heaven and the first guy says,”hey u almost had it why did u laugh? The second guy says,” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, because i saw the second guy coming with pinapples!!!!
ONE DAY A MAN DECIDED HE NEEDED TO HIRE SOMEONE TO WATCH HIS WIFE, WHO HE BELIEVED WAS CHEATING ON HIM. SO, HE HIRED THREE 14 YEAR OLD BOYS TO DO THE JOB. AFTER ONLY 2 DAYS, HE WAS SURE HE HAD WHAT HE NEEDED TO FILE FOR DIVORCE. THEY SAT IN THE COURT ROOM AND THE FIRST TEEN TOOK THE STAND. THE JUDGE ASKED, SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? THE BOY REPLIED, I SAW FUCKING
ANGERED THE JUDGE YELLED, THERE WILL BE NO VULGAR LANGUAGE IN MY COURTROOM! GET OUT!
THE SECOND TEEN TOOK THE STAND. THE JUDGE ASKED SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? TO WHICH THE BOY REPLIED, I SAW FUCKING TOO
AGAIN THE JUDGE YELLED, THERE WILL BE NO VULGAR LANGUAGE IN MY COURTROOM! NOW GET OUT!!
A BIT NERVOUS THE THIRD TEEN TOOK THE STAND. SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? ASKED THE JUDGE ON THE EDGE OF HIS SEAT A BIT ANNOYED. THE BOY TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND REPLIED,
I SAW PANTS DROPPING TO THE KNEES,
BALLS SWAYING IN THE BREEZE, DICK GOING IN AND OUT. I CALL THAT FUCKING, YOU GONNA KICK ME OUT?
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line
“a mind is a terrible thing to waste”
2 nuns where driving down the road one day when a vampire jumped onto there bonnet.So one of the nuns said to the other show him your CROSS(vampires are afraid of CROSSES).So she leant out the window and said PISS OFF YOU WEE FECKER.
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is “What is Easter”?
The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful…”
“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is”?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued… “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Q. What do all men and all parking lots have in common�
A. All the good ones are taken and the ones left are handicap!
You might be a redneck if…
You don’t know what a redneck is.
You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”.
You thought ER was ET’s cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.
You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”.
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You’ve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.