Peter’s Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.
Author: admin
Guidelines 4 hiring
The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they
are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Blonde in a Car
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, ”I locked my keys in
my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the
window and unlock the door.” ”Why, sure,” said the manager, ”we have
something that works especially for that.” A couple minutes later, the manager
walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. ”No,
no, a little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.
Banjo joke
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?A: They make good paddles.
10 pints of Guinness in one sitting
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”. The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
I’m A Chicken
Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I’m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Un grupo de cubanos abandonan
Un grupo de cubanos abandonan la isla con rumbo a Miami. En medio del viaje, el m�s viejo de los cubanos sufre un ataque cardiaco y pide como �ltimo deseo ver la bandera para despedirse de su querida Cuba.
Los otros cubanos, para complacer el deseo del viejo, comenzaron a buscar la bandera en pa�uelos, carteras, chaquetas, cualquier lugar donde pudiera estar impresa. Despu�s de un rato, cansados de buscar, se dieron cuenta de que no ten�an nada con la bandera, pero de repente una joven de 20 a�os interrumpi� diciendo:
“Yo tengo un tatuaje de la bandera de Cuba en una nalga y me ofrezco para ayudar con la petici�n del anciano”.
La ni�a, que estaba bien rica, se para delante del cubano, se da vuelta, baja sus pantalones y le muestra su nalga con el tatuaje de la bandera. El cubano la agarra fuertemente, besa la bandera, acaricia la nalga y dice:
“Mi querida Cuba, me despido con recuerdos, mi vieja Habana, mi linda tierra.”
Despu�s de un rato (y muchos besos), le dice a la joven:
“Mira, ni�a. Ahora, como parte de mi �ltimo deseo, �date la vuelta que quiero despedirme de Fidel con un beso bien grande!”
The Lord’s Name in Vain
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a
wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the
preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say �Lord, help me, Lord
help me.�”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again
and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the
Lord’s name in vain, say �Lord helps me, Lord helps me.�” The man put the car up
on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down
and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The
preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
Taken Apart
Little Jonny asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother
Little Jonny answered ” The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
English iris ans scottish man
theres an english man a scottish man and an iris man. they was all walking through the dessert and fing a pub.The iris man goes can i have a glass of water the land lord goes’ONLY IF U PICK SCABS OF MY SISTER’the iris man goes forget it. the scottish man goescan i have a glass of waterthe land lord goes ‘ONLY IF U PICK SCABS OFF MY SISTER’ the scottish man goes no thanks. the english man goes in and say can i have a glass of water the land lord goes’ONLY IF YOU PICK SCABS OFF MY SISTER’ and he say ok he picks scabs of his sister put them in a food bag and stapples them and chucks them out the window. the scottish and english man eats them lol
Undercover detective
A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?””No, I am an undercover detective.””So why are you in uniform?””Today is my day off.”
Cardinals test
Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.
He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. “you passed”, the Cardinal said.
He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. “you passed.”
He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.
The Cardinal said “all of you passed.” The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went “ding, ding,ding.”