Sick and Pompous General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

Xmas Files

‘The Xmas-Files’by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely 57 Elm Street Bethlehem, Pa. 11:51 p.m., December 24th.’We’re too late! It’s already been here.’ ‘Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.’ ‘Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.’ ‘You really think someone’s been here?’ ‘Someone, or something.’ ‘Mulder, over here–it’s a fruitcake.’ ‘Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.’ ‘It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: ‘Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” ‘It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.’ ‘Who? What are you talking about?’ ‘Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.’ ‘But that’s legend, Mulder–a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?’ ‘Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive–and in a hurry.’ ‘It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.’ ‘It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.’ ‘But why would they leave it milk and cookies?’ ‘Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.’ ‘But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.’ ‘Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.’ ‘Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.’ ‘But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?’ ‘You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?’ ‘Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.’ ‘Impossible.’ ‘I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!’ ‘I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.’ ‘Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.’ ‘But we have no proof.’ ‘Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.’ ‘But that was a meteor shower.’ ‘Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody–not even the zookeeper–was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.’ ‘Mulder, I–‘ ‘Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?’ ‘On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.’ ‘The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.’

Lawyer quickies 2

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.