Flying pill

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Irish Wedding Dance

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,’Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, ‘OK.”Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!”Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’

Bed Football

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, “7 points!”His wife looked at him and said, “What the hell are you doing?”He simply replied, “Just playing bed football.”Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, “Tie game – 7,7.”The husband’s competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, “Now what’s the score?”He said, “Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!”

Knock-Knocks 4 Kids Galore

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door, I’m tired of knocking.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Carrie.
Carrie who?
Carrie on with what you’re doing, I’m at the wrong door.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink of water.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s ther?
Dwain.
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, I’m dwrowning.

UNC’s Bubba

It was graduation day at UNC, and the professors were giving out the degrees. The crowd started chanting Bubba, Bubba, Bubba!
The president of the University asked, “Who’s Bubba?”

“Bubba is a guy who’s been at the University for twenty years, and hasn’t graduated.

The professor called Bubba up and told him that if he can answer one question, he would graduate. He asked him, “What is 4+4?”

“8,” Bubba said.

“Boo!” the crowd roared. “Give him another chance, give him another chance!”

In the vestry of a

In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”