How does a Russian commit suicide?
He smells his armpit
How does an American commit suicide?
He tells this joke to a Russian.
Author: admin
Cremate Mother In Law
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death.
It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.
He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!”
Era la hora del ba�o
Era la hora del ba�o de los s�bados del padre Juan. La joven hermana Magdalena hab�a preparado las toallas y el agua para el ba�o, tal como la vieja sor Mar�a le hab�a indicado. La hermana Magdalena hab�a sido instruida para no mirar la desnudez del padre Juan, y si ella pod�a lo ayudaba en todo lo que fuere pedido y orara.
En la ma�ana siguiente la vieja sor Mar�a le pregunt� a la hermana Magdalena como hab�a sido el ba�o del s�bado.
“�Oh hermana!, le dijo la joven monja en forma entusiasta, �he sido salvada!”
�Y c�mo sucedi� tan magno evento? pregunt� la anciana sor.
“Bien, cuando el padre Juan estaba metido en la tina, me pidi� que lo lavase. Mientras lo estaba lavando, gui� mi mano hacia abajo, entre sus piernas, mientras me dec�a que, ah�, el Se�or guardaba la llave del Cielo.”
“�Lo sab�a! – dijo la vieja �cidamente.
La hermana Magdalena contin�a el relato:
“El padre Juan dijo que si la llave del Cielo coincid�a con mi cerradura los portales del para�so se abrir�an para mi y tendr�a asegurada la salvaci�n y la paz eterna. Y el padre Juan gui� su llave del cielo a mi cerradura.”
“Es un hecho”, dijo la vieja sor aun mas �cidamente.
“Al principio dol�a terriblemente, pero el padre Juan me dijo que el camino a la salvaci�n es, a menudo, doloroso y que la gloria de Dios pronto llenar�a mi coraz�n de �xtasis. Y as� fue y me sent�a tan bien siendo salvada.”
“�Ese viejo diablo!” dijo la vieja monja. “A mi me dijo que era la trompeta del Arc�ngel Gabriel y se la vengo soplando desde hace 40 a�os.”
Knock Knock 197
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
X!
X who?
X for breakfast!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, I’m not leaving!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didn’t know you were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!
Nintendo humor
What are Mario’s biggest professions?1) Drug Dealing-He specializes in magic mushrooms2) Pimping women-You gotta think that with Princess Toadstool, Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, and Pauline, he’s gotta make a lot of money!
Motor Accident
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crab
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.
Tossed Off A Ship
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, “Beggars can’t be cruisers.”
Perfect penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, “What is a penis?”
The boy replied, “I don’t know.” At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.
Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, “What is a penis?”
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, “This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis.”
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, “This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Saving the Oppossum!
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”
She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”
The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”
Professional Services
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, ‘Hi there handsome. How are you doing?’ before wiggling her backside and walking off. ‘Who was that?!’ demanded the doctor’s wife. ‘Er – just a woman I met professionally,’ replied the doctor. ‘Oh yeah?!’ snarled his wife, ‘in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!’
Lawyer Hunting Regulations!
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)