Yours Fun Portal !
Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
“The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling ‘Price check on the company!'”
He adds, “the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.”
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”
There is a blonde burnet and a red head in the third grade. Which do you think has the bigger boobs??��
The blonde because she is 18.
How are men like UFOs?
You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
But what happened to you
Shamus had been bitten by a rabid dog, and had medical help arrived quickly afterwards.”Get me a sheet of paper and a pen” Shamus said “You’ll be o.k., there’s no need to write out a will” the medic said.”I’m don’t want to write a will” Shamus replied “I want to write a list of people I want to bite.”
barracks door
A man walks into a supermarket with his fly down.A cashier sees him and says”sir your barracks door is wide open” Well the man had no idea what she was talking about and continued to shop.
Soon after a man walked up to him and says “hey buddy,your fly is down”,so he proceeded to zip up his fly and then it dawned on him that the woman had been referring to his pants zipper.Well, he thought to himself ,I think I’ll have a little fun with that lady,so he finished shopping and went up up her register.
When it was his turn he said to her “hey lady” “when you saw my barracks door was open ,did you see a soldier standing at attention?” The lady thought for a moment and then replied “um…No,All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”
So there is a russian, a coloradan, and and mexican all sitting around the campfire. The russian is drinking a white russian, the mexican is drinking a margarita and the coloradan a coors. So the russian takes his drink, throws it in the air and shoots it. The mexican and coloradan asked “why did u do that?” he said ” where i come from we have plenty of those.” Then the mexican took his margarita, threw it in the air, and shot it, then the coloradan and the russian asked “why did u do that?” The mexican replied ” where i come from we have plenty of margaritas.” So then the coloradan takes the mexican, throws him in the air and shoots him. The russian says “why did u do that?” the then coloradan replies “where i come from we have plenty of mexicans!”
A Marine Colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing is moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what seems to be the hold up?”
The officer replies, “The President is just so depressed that Hillary has moved to New York, and may leave him altogether that he just stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway, and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.
He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica and Paula thing.
So I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”
“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
“So far about three hundred gallons, but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.”
Submitted by NCrespi
Edited by calamjo
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”
WHy did the Chicken cross the riad??? Because he felt like it..
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t work.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
What is mind? No matter What is matter? Never mind.
“MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.”
The average woman would have rather beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
A professeur is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
“He’s just a politician trying to save both his faces …”
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction.