Accountants What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand. What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own. What’s an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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Gene in a bottle
once upon a time there was a flea walking
down the beach and while he was walking he
saw this bottle so he kicked it and a gene
came out. he said that you have 3 wishes.
the gene asked him whats your first wish, he
said that he wanted to be on lassie so poof he was their. about a week goes by, he walks down the beach and kicked that bottle, the gene poped out and the flea said it just aint goin to work she is to clean. the gene said you have 2 wishes left, whats your second wish. he said i want to be on willy nelsons beard, so poof their he was. about another week goes by he walkes down the beach kicks that bottle the gene pops out and the flea said that it just aint goin to work that old man never sleeps. the gene said you have 1 wish left what is it the flea said: i want to be on dolly partons pussy so poof their he was. about a mounth or 2 go by he walkes down the beach, kicks the bottle the gene pops out and sayes you have all ready used your 3 wishes. the flea said: ity just aint guna work i stood up to look over the trees and here comes willy nelsons beard.
Gorilla Golfer
There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.
One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, “I’ve been trying to beat you for so long that I’m about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you’re game, I’d like to try to get back all the money I’ve lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?”
The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. “After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?” he thought.
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.
The guy turns to his friend and says “That’s incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I’ve seen enough. I’ve got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I’ll write you a check.”
After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, “By the way, how’s that gorilla’s putting?”
The other guy replies, “Same as his driving.”
“That good, huh?”
“No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!”
What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.
All
What did 3 blondes say when they walk in to a bar?
Ow that hurt!!!!!!!!
Listening Passively
Listening Passively
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She
said, “‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”
‘Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!
adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool. antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this) cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome. series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. testicles….(n) books of the Bible tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout
Graphics blind the eyes
Graphics blind the eyes.
Audio files deafen the ear.
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.
The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
Se muere Marx y se
Se muere Marx y se va al infierno. A los tres dias sube el demonio a ver a San Pedro.
“�Co�o Botero, que mala cara traes!”
“No me hables, macho, que me han mandao a un tal Marx, y ya no hay quien haga nada en el infierno. El t�o ha montao una revoluci�n, con manifestaciones, huelgas… para que te voy a contar.”
“Oye, pues m�ndamelo p’ac� unas semanas, a ver si se calman las cosas ah� abajo.”
“Pedro, macho, me has salvao la vida. Esta tarde te lo mando.”
A las 3 semanas vuelve a subir Lucifer.
“Que, �c�mo os va con el Marx ese que os mand�?”
“Ah, perfecto, macho, el t�o se ha integrado aqu� como nadie. Ha echo amigos con los �ngeles, con los santos…”
El demonio, sorprendido dice:
“Pero… pero… �y que dice Cristo a todo esto?”
“�Uy! Cristo y Marx son �ntimos, como u�a y carne, siempre juntos discutiendo problemas filos�ficos…”
El demonio no da credito a lo que oye, y pregunta:
“Pero bueno, �y Dios que dice a todo esto?”
“�Dios…? �Dios…? �Pero si Dios no existe!”
Yo Mamma is so ugly…
Yo mamma is so ugly when she entered an ugly contest, they told her no pros allowed.
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that color?
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that color?
The Light At The End of The Tunnel
Why Are NewYorkers Always so depressed?
Becuase The Light At the End Of The Tunnel Is New Jersey!!!!!