Author: admin

The 7 Dwarfs and the Pope

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6 of th 7 dwarfs are sitting in their house when Doc comes
running in. Doc says, “OH MY GOSH…you guys,i just won us all
free trips to go see the Pope tomorrow.”

So the 7 dwarfs are standing in front of the Pope, pushing Dopey
towards the front saying, “ask him dopey, ask him!” dopey tuggs
on the Pope’s clothes and the Pope looks down. dopey says, “are
there nuns in alaska?”

“of course! why wouldnt there be?!” says the Pope. the dwarfs
whisper to dopey, “ask him the second part. come on, ask him!”
so dopey asks, “are there midgets in alaska?”

“oh, im sure there are.” says the Pope. and the dwarfs say, “ask
him the last part dopey. go ahead, ask him!” the Pope looks at
dopey and says, “what is the last part dopey?”

dopey shyfully says, “are there midget nuns in alaska?” and the
Pope says “HELL NO!”

the rest of the dwarfs chime together…”DOPEY HAD SEX WITH A
PENGUIN! DOPEY HAD SEX WITH A PENGUIN!……”

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

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  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You speed walk in your sleep.
  • You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • Cocaine is a downer.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You buy milk by the barrel.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
  • You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  • People can test their batteries in your ears.
  • Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  • You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  • You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  • You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  • You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  • You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  • Your Thermos is on wheels.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
  • Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  • You can’t even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  • You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  • You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Airlines running operating systems

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Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

Aussie cricket fan

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An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

‘Hello mate,’ the Aussie says.

‘No Australian cricket fans in heaven,’ replies Saint Peter.

‘What?’ exclaims the man, astonished.

‘You heard, no Australian cricket fans.’

‘But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,’ replies the Aussie.

‘Oh really,’ says Saint Peter. ‘What have you done then?’

‘Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.’

‘Oh,’ says Saint Peter, ‘anything else?’

‘Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.’

‘Hmmm, anything else?’

‘Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.’

‘OK,’ said Saint Peter, ‘you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.’

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, ‘I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your $30 back, now f*** off.’

Bush Has Feelings To

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George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, “I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me.” Cheney reassured him by saying, “Jokes can’t hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I’ll show you what I mean.”Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, “Please take me to 261 M street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney. Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, “Oh, I guess I’m not there! Take us back to where we started, please.”The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, “You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don’t worry about their opinions!”Bush said, “Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better.” Then he winked and whispered, “Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

The “Lighter” Side of Marriage

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(1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

(2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

(3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

(4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

(5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

(6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

(7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

(8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS”: The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, The Suffe-Ring, The Endu-Ring

(9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration: (a) In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. (b) In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. (c) In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

(10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

(11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

(12) It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

(13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

(14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

(15) Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

(16) There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

(17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

(18) They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

(19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

(20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.