Mastercard advert

THE CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

Priceless

Jewish Genie

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.

POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. ” Oy Vey!” he said. “Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?”

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.

“Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I’ll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins.”

“Well,” said the Jamaican after some consideration, “I’d like to be white and surrounded by women.”

“No problem” said the Genie, POOF! – the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie – there’s always a string attached.

FACTOIDS: Amusing but useless data

Subject: Stuff You Absolutely Have to Know. Now, nobody really _knows_ why you absolutely have to know this stuff… but don’t let that stop you… A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television’s Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.The ‘save’ icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.The combination ‘ough’ can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: ‘A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.’The verb ‘cleave’ is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning ‘containing arsenic.’Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.The word ‘Checkmate’ in chess comes from the Persian phrase ‘Shah Mat,’ which means ‘the king is dead’.Pinocchio is Italian for ‘pine head.’ Camel’s milk does not curdle.In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.All porcupines float in water.Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of ‘Lorne Greene’s Wild Kingdom.’Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight. If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.Non-dairy creamer is flammable.The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the ‘American Pie.’ (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.The only nation whose name begins with an ‘A’, but doesn’t end in an ‘A’ is Afghanistan.Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada’s Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada’s independence.When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not ‘playing.’ They actually pass out from sheer terror.The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Unfaithful Wife!?

One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday, very early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual but, it was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.

He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. “What terrible weather today honey,” he said to her.

“Yes, and my idiot husband went fishing!”

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo, Curtis and Tantilazing