WORDS OF THE WISE1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. – Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 19609. Women’s creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. – unknown NOW member10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. – Douglas Adams14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. – Ashleigh Brilliant23. ‘Sure, everyone always said ‘Socrates, what is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Socrates, how can I find happiness?’, but did anyone ever say ‘Socrates, hemlock is poison.’???’ – Socrates minutes before death. 25. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s desire to beat or choke the living crap out of some jerk who desperately needs it.26. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare nor well done.27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Author: admin
Viagra
What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK’s health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse. Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.”
Chicken crossin the road
why the chicken cross the road?
– he wanted to meet the “chicks”.
Those pesky mini-skirts
In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She’s very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”
At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!”
Milking Problem
I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”
Miramontes y Casimiro, dos amigos
Miramontes y Casimiro, dos amigos invidentes, se fueron de vacaciones. Al llegar al hotel pidieron una habitaci�n doble, con agua caliente, servicio al cuarto y toda la cosa. Por la noche decidieron tratar de dormir temprano. Al acostarse pregunta Casimiro:
“�Apagaste la luz, Miramontes?”
“”S�, s� la apagu�, pero y t� �por qu� encendiste ese f�sforo?”
“Pues para ver si hab�as apagado la luz”.
fight
After a big fight broke out in a pub, the police were called in, as staffwere cleared away the debris, they spotted old Ron, a regular customer, lying uncocious in a corner. As he came round, one of the policemen asked him:”Did you get in fracus.” Ron replied: “No, in the nose.”
Bright signs!
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light
bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out
bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep
discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be
done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re
out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one
millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that
two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only
with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient
Hierarchical order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy,
so….
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
How do crazy people get through the forest?
How do crazy people get through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
a lawler and a women
One day a lawyer and a girl were flying on a airplane Then the
lawyer asks her if she wanted to play a game the girl
ignored him so the lawyer explained it anyways I’ll
ask u a question and if you get it wrong the u will give me 5 $
and vise versa and the girl still ignored him so he said
if i get a question wrong i’ll give u 50 dollars and u only have
to give me 5 dollars. so the girl with some interest now
decided to play the game
So the guy goes how far is the moon away from the earth? So
the girl reaches in her purse and gives the man 5 dollars
Then the girl asked him what goes up a hill with 3 legs and
comes down with 4 since the lawyer didn’t know he gave
the girl 50 $ and asks her what is the answer?
then the girl reaches into her purse and give the man 5 $
Wicked Wish
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.