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The Top 13 Quotes From Animal Romance Novels (Part I)

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13> It had been tough growing up in the spotlight, alone, separated from her by the jail house bars of a system that didn’t understand their love. But someday they would be together again, and he would wait, counting the days until she was released. After all, it was Mary who had turned him from a little lamb into a young ram.

12> His nose was cold. Colder than any nose that dared sniff her before. She backed further into his muzzle.

11> The muscular ram grabbed her by the wooly tuft on the back of her neck and with a sinful gleam in his eye said, “You’ve been a very baa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aad girl.”

10> His torrid affair with the donkey left him smelling like ass.

9> His every pant brought forth a musky scent, and he growled low in his throat and said, “Moan like a human, bitch!”

8> My master crossed his legs provocatively, dangling one taut lean calf over his knee. As his leg bobbed rhythmically, his cuff climbed higher, revealing– Hey! A squirrel!

7> Squeezing his octopus companion tightly with his tentacles, Oliver felt shame as he prematurely released his ink.

6> Polly’s new man was like all the others. He never seemed to ask what she really wanted, choosing instead to insistently repeat his offer of a cracker.

5> Timmy and Sally rested for several seconds, then began anew. Then rested again. Followed by more loving. A brief nap. Once again with the coitus. The bunnies simply could not help themselves.

4> In all of the streams in all of the mountains in all of the northwest, she had to come swimming into mine. Not really a surprise, I suppose. We all *had* to swim into this particular stream… or die trying.

3> He didn’t need the love of a female. He didn’t need a male, either, for that matter. He was a worm. He had it all.

2> “Hold me closer,” the gorgeous white kitten purred. “Closer, closer… now leave me alone! Don’t look at me — I’ll go over here. Okay, now hold me closer again….”

1> “Your bulging green eyes, your powerful jaws — I think I’m losing my head over you, darling.” “You have no idea how right you are, loverboy.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Two Irishmen are standing on

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Two Irishmen are standing on the top of a cliff, looking out over a huge
drop to the rocks below.

One turns to the other and says, “OK, Paddy, a pact is a pact. We’re
going to do it, right?”

Paddy says, “If you tink we should, Murphy, I’m with you all the way. As
you say, a pact is a pact, but you go first.”

Murphy thinks about this for a moment, then says, “But you’ll be right
behind me, yes?”

“Oh, yes, Murphy. I’ll do it, but I want to watch you first.”

“OK then Paddy. I’m going. Goodbye!”

With that, Murphy takes a budgerigar out of his coat pocket, ties some
string around its legs, and straps it firmly onto his head. He steps
forward to the edge of the cliff, and throws himself off.

The budgie flaps its wings like mad, but to no avail. It can’t hold the
weight of a thirteen stone Irishman in the air by itself. Murphy falls
splat, and breaks both legs on the rocks.

Paddy has seen all this, but thinks, “A pact is a pact. I have to do
it.”

He takes a parrot out of his jacket pocket, straps it to his head,
salutes, and jumps off the cliff.

Now the parrot is bigger than the budgie, and Paddy is quite a bit
lighter than Murphy, so for a moment the parrot seems to be holding its
own against gravity. However gravity doesn’t get tired, and gradually
Paddy starts to descend.

It seems he is going to make a graceful landing, when about halfway down,
he takes a gun out of his other pocket, and carefully points it at the
parrot on his head, and shoots it dead.

Of course he now falls splat, and breaks his legs too.
Lying there together, Murphy looks at Paddy and says, “I don’t tink much
of dis budgie jumping, Paddy.”

Paddy replies, “And Parrotshooting is not all it’s cracked up to be
neither!”

A Close Shave

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.”I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.”Just place this between your cheek and gum.”The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.”And what if I swallow it?””No problem,” says the barber.”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Missing Jesus

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It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A Peg-legged Halloween!

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe’en party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
“Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!”

Why I Fired My Secretary

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I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my
birthday and I thought, “another year older,” but decided to
make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I
went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss
and say, “Happy Birthday, dear.”

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual. She didn’t say one word. So I got myself
a cup of coffee and thought to myself, “oh well, she just
forgot.” The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they
will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the kids
came running in yelling, “Give me a slice of toast. I’m late.
And where is my coat? I’m going to miss the bus!” Feeling more
depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a
nice smile and a “Happy Birthday, Boss” and said, “I’ll get you
some coffee.” Her remembering made me feel a lot better. Later
in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since
it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together. Thinking
it would make me feel better I said that’s a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday I said,
“why don’t we drive out of town and have lunch in the country
instead of going to the usual place.” So we drove out of town
and went to a little out of the way place. We had a couple of
martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my
secretary said, “why don’t we go by my place and I will fix you
another martini.”

It sounded like a good idea since we didn’t have anything to do
in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed
us both a martini. After a while she said, “Will you excuse me,
I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and left
the room. In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came
out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and
all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but my socks.

You might be an internet newbie if:

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YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS. ALL THE TIME. oR YoU StIlL WrItE EmAiLs iN AlTeRnAtInG CaSe.

You believe what people say in chatrooms is actually the truth, and that girl in it really WILL love you for ever. …even though she hasn’t seen you and you haven’t seen her!

You really believe the “get rich quick” scams you receive in e-mail will work.

You can’t associate surfing with web pages.

You regularly report things you find on USENET to your ISP.

You still believe in the modem tax.

You think you saw it on your last phone bill.

A *Virus Warning* that you once read now makes you panic whenever you get a message saying: Returned Mail: Host Unknown

Every time you’ve posted a message to a newsgroup, you’ve been flamed by at least ten people.

You’ve been flamed several times, but you still don’t know the meaning of the term.

You post messages saying “UNSUBSCRIBE” to the mailing list that you’ve subscribed to….spelled “UNSUBIBE,” “UNSUBSCIBE,” UNSBSCRIB,” etc…

You think spam is a type of lunch meat.

You can’t tell the difference between a web URL and an e-mail address.

Your message submission from a submit form says:

“Enter your submission here.”

You think flaming someone involves a lighter and an aerosol can.

Lone Ranger returns

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse tied up outside?’The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?”Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.’He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse outside?’The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?”Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.’