You’re a redneck if…. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
Author: admin
the mirror
There were these two blondes walking down the road, when one of them saw a mirror and picked it up.
She looked in it and said, “This person looks familiar.”
The other blonde took it from her and looked in it. Then she exclaimed, “Of course she looks familiar, you idiot… that’s me!”
Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies
10. “Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats”
9. “Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass”
8. “Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy”
7. “How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg’s Bikini Wax”
Oh, for God’s sake. I’m sorry we had to print that one.
6. “Peyote Ugly”
5. “Circumcision: The Purification Begins”
4. “Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'”
3. “Field of Limbs”
2. “Terminal Velocity 2” starring Christopher Reeve
1. “How the Grinch Stole My Urethra”
Mixup
A woman went to the doctor’s office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor’s office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, “Sir, I’m afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife’s blood sample with another patient’s, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer’s disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.”
The man looked scared and said, “That’s terrible, doc, what should I do until then?”
“Well, when you’re driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don’t have sex with her!”
What Auburn Means
Did you here what happened 3 1/2 years ago at the University of Tennessee
just before Spring Break? Well 3 days before UT got out for spring break,
some of the other SEC schools let their students out for spring break and
with the Interstate running through Knoxville like it does, 5 Auburn
Football Players drove thru Knoxville on their way to the Smoky Mountains
on I-40 in a Dodge Caravan. One of the players knew the interstate exits
in Knoxville and said turn here at 17th street and had the driver drive
straight up to the hill on Tennessee’s campus. After parking the 5 players
got out and started walking around UT’s campus looking at the football
facilities and 3 of them were wearing T-shirts with AUBURN in bold type
across the front. UT’s players were still there studying for finals and
looked out, saw them, and recognized them and got mad. 15 UT players went
out and circled them and said, “We looked up that word Auburn on your
shirts, in the dictionary, and it talks about the colors of Fall, but it
does not say anything about a school in Alabama. What does it mean?” The
auburn players were scared being outnumbered 15 to 5 so they responded,
“In football it means Alabama Usually Beats Us Round November”. Of course
Tennessee beat Auburn last year in the SEC Championship 12/6/97, which
being not a full week into December is still around November, so when it
comes to beating Auburn round November, UT means US TOO! We can beat
Auburn around November!!!!
Q: How many pro-choicers
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn’t exist before it was lit up.
An IBM acronym
IBM: I’ve Been Mislead
Proving a Point
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
In the forest
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear
him, is he still wrong?
Brains
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out.
Then I realized I was too late.
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”