Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?” Johnny said, “No!!” Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your asshole with your dick?” Johnny said,”No!!” His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.” At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?” Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?” Johnny’s dad said,”As a matter of fact, I can!”Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!”
Author: admin
You might be a redneck if… taxidermist
You owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.
Llega la mujer y le
Llega la mujer y le dice a su esposo que esta leyendo el peri�dico:
“Mira mi amor, �no crees que con este vestido me veo 20 a�os m�s joven?”
Y el esposo la mira y le dice:
“�Y porque no te compras dos vestidos m�s!”
CIA Test
After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening.
The first one’s interview went really well… so the Director says: “I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife”.
The man stands up and says, “Sorry Sir, I can’t do that” and walks out.
The same thing happens with the second applicant.
The third guy’s interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.
The Guy takes the gun, goes next door.
The CIA Director hears : “Bang”….. pause …… “Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang”…… long pause….. then a scuffle and noises…… silence.
The third applicant returns to the Director’s office and says” Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks… so I had to strangle her!”
Red neck
you might be a redneck if you order paper view and tape it
Redneck Fishing Secrets
Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick.
Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto
the bank.
The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, “Buddy, I’d sure like to be
on your side of the crick!”
“Aright, tell ya what, I’ll shine my flashlight ‘cross this river, and you can
walk across this little beam of light!” the redneck yelled back.
The other replied, “Taint�s no way, buddy. I know you think I’m a fool! When I
get halfway ‘cross, you’ll turn your flashlight off!”
Adam Accused By Eve!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve!
Yo mamas glasses
your mamas glassses are so thik
that when she looks at the map
she sees people waving
The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.
14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his “personal phaser” and sets it to vibrate.
13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!” Gomer has trouble keeping a “don’t ask, don’t tell” secret.
12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.
11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.
10> Cheers: It’s pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. “High”-jinks ensue.
9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.
8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender’s reign of terror begins.
7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new “air bags” installed.
6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.
5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.
4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.
3> Three’s Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.
2> Lassie: Timmy’s “Fire Hydrant” Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.
1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia’s plan to make extra money as a “lady of the evening” goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times
during the movie “The Net.”
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms.
President.”
You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor
“I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
Gift Certificate
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, ‘I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.’ His buddy said, ‘I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!’ So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, ‘Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?’ ‘She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’!’
Nerd Season
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”
“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
“Why did you do that?”
“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em!”