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If Dear Abby Was A Man…

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If Dear Abby Was A Man…

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Back before

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Back before any of us even knew who the Clintons were, they left a party and
got into their car. Hillary slid over close and began to stroke Bill’s thigh.
After he was aroused, she bent down and performed quite an extraordinary blowjob
on him.

Bill, confused, but both pleased and satisfied drove home contentedly.

As they pulled into their driveway, Hillary stroked Bill’s thigh again, and
got no response at all. “There!” she said. “NOW you may drive the blonde
babysitter home.”

Meals on Wheels

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A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, “Welcome. Is there anything you didn’t have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?”.

The cat thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?”. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, “Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?” St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, “I like it alot, but I really enjoy those ‘Meals on Wheels'”.

New Car

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This lady always wanted an expensive car-a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.

She’s driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo… jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.

Can’t find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it’s right there in front of her. It’s hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.

He demonstrates:

“Classical”, he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

“Blues”, he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed.

“Country”, she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.

“Folk” *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol’ Dixie down.

“New Age” *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She’s so captivated by this new toy that she isn’t paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.

“ASSHOLE!!!” she screams. *click* and…. “Good morning, everyone. You’re listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show”

Chinese dog treat

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There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.
Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.
But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.
The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

“Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy’s willy”

Six Bad Days

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1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,
000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day’s not so bad, is it?