Author: admin

Lawyer In Heaven (Classic)

Posted on by admin

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked “THE BOOK” and didn’t find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn’t find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

“Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?” God queried.

“Hell yes, I remember!” Said the devil.

“Well, Saint Peter missed that man’s name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they’re on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS.” God exclaimed!

“I’ll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He’s put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!” said the devil.

“Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don’t send that engineer back right away I believe I’ll have to sue you!!!” shouted God!!

“And just where do you think you’ll get an attorney?” replied the devil!!!!!

Three Blind Kids

Posted on by admin

A teacher is in the class with three blind kids. She tells them,
“If any of you can clap your hands three times I’ll give you an
ice cream cone.”

The first kid claps his hands once and misses twice.

The second kid claps his hands twice and misses once.

The third kid claps his hands three times. The teacher says,
“Good job.” Then, she gives him an ice cream cone. He opens his
mouth and smashed the ice cream on his forehead.

Cleaning bill

Posted on by admin

Ron and his friends are out at the local bar, “getting a-bit-to-much” to drink. Finally, after too many rounds, Ron leans over and pukes all over himself. “Hhey manh, looc herre. My…my honey is ggoing toh KILLLLL me! Me a mess!” he blurted. Next, after a couple “drunk” moments, Ron’s friend murmurs back, “Ittf’s okey. Whhat ya doo, is you pu…put a 10 dollar bbill in yor poket, and tell you girlfrriend that someone else ppuuked on you, an gave ya 10 buks to got the shirt dri-cleanedd! It ‘ill bee ookay.””Aalll rightf.”When Ron goes home, sure enough, his girlfriend starts screaming the living hell out of him. “You go out with your little friends and come back all puked over your self! LOOK AT YOU! You’re a mess. Everyti�”Ron builds up his voice over the hargue, “IIt wasnn’t mey. Soome othber guy, hee da one dat puke aall on me! loak, he gaave mhe a 10 dallor bill to cllean it…it…it up!”Coldly, his girl friend replies, “Oh yeah, then how come that’s a 20 bill!”Ron proudly replies, “Well…um…uh…he…uh…also shit in my ppants!”

Racial Dog Name

Posted on by admin

A guy is sitting outside a pub balling his eyes out when a cop
comes up and asks what’s wrong. “My dog is trapped in side, he’s
sitting under a table surrounded by black men.” So, the cop
said, “just call him”.

The guy now crying even more said, “I can’t you call him.” The
cop said, “alright what’s the dog’s name?” Now a wreck, the guy
stuttered, “n-n-nig—“.

In good hands?

Posted on by admin

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend – “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.

He yelss – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

Reading the scripture

Posted on by admin

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.””Scripture?” replied the burglar.”She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”