Author: admin

Clinton in Heaven

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Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered St. Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Jonah’s Fate

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A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”

8 cents more

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A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

”That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.

“What’s the eight cents for?” asks the blonde.

”It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”

”Tax.” replies the clerk.

”Gee,” says the blonde, ”I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Blind Sports

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

�I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.�

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Un hombre decide ampliar sus

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Un hombre decide ampliar sus gustos culinarios y empieza por ir a un restaurante japon�s despu�s del trabajo. Se sienta y viene el mozo.

“�Qu� platos me recomienda?” le pregunta al japon�s.

“Le lecomiendo “lata al lim�n”

“Bueno, tr�igamela.”

El japon�s le sirve la “lata al lim�n” y el hombre disfruta de su plato, pensando que es lo mas exquisito que ha probado.

Content�simo vuelve al otro d�a con un amigo y piden lo mismo. El s�bado de noche vuelve al restaurante con su esposa y ambos piden la “lata al lim�n”.

A la semana siguiente va el su esposa y unos amigos, y se sientan en la mesa, cuando viene el mozo y el hombre le pide que traiga lo de siempre para cuatro personas. Pero el japon�s le dice:

“No va a podel sel, hoy no hacemos lata al lim�n polque lata est� teniendo latitas.”

Golfers

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One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9:30 okay?”

George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

“Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked.
George said, “Sure if I�m ten minutes late�”

Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute, you always say you may be ten minutes late. But you�re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”

George said, “Well, that�s true, I�m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she�s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”

“What if she�s lying on her back?”

George said, “That�s when I�m ten minutes late!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis