Author: admin

A man is drowning in the sea…

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A man is drowning in the sea.� Help me, Lord,” he cries.

Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. ”Climb on board” yells the skipper.

”No, no, no,” says the drowning man. ”The Lord will save me.”

”Kiwi will be on our way, then,” replies the captain.

Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the
pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. ”I do not need any help,” cries the
breathless man, ”The Lord will come and rescue me.”

Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the
man weeps: ”Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why
did you not save me?”

God replies:” You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!”

What's for Dinne

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” ”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Rep. Dick Armey on Bill Clinton

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Nominated for quote of the year is this statement made by Rep. Dick Armey,
who when asked if he were in the Presidents place, would he resign,
responded:

“If I were in the President’s place I would not get a chance to resign. I
would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over
me saying, ‘How do I reload this damn thing?'”

Talking to God

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Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm
spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he
began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to
you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded
in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one
of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

$2000 cash prize

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A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign
that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for Details.”

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the
bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.

“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about
walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

“What are the three things?”

“Well�, the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound
bouncer and knock him out…”

“After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pit bull in the backroom who needs a
tooth pulled…”

“Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives
upstairs.”

“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal
your shoelace is untied.”

When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single,
solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pit bull is housed.

The bartender can hear tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like
the pit bull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up
and breathing heavily.

“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??”

Estaban el Papa de Roma

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Estaban el Papa de Roma y el cura p�rroco de un pueblecito jugando a golf.

Tira el Papa y mete la pelota en el hoyo a la primera. Tira el cura y falla.

“�Hostia puta que fallo!” exclama el cura.

“�Pero que son estas palabras?” le recrimina el Papa.”Que sea la �ltima vez que pronuncia semejante blasfemia”.

Vuelve a tirar el Papa y la mete a la primera en el hoyo. Tira el cura y falla.

“�Hostia puta que fallo!”, exclama el p�rroco.

“Esto es intolerable. Mire, la pr�xima vez que diga esas palabras se abrir� el cielo, caer� un rayo purificador y le matar�”, le conmina el Papa.

“No suceder� m�s, se lo prometo su Santidad”.

Tira de nuevo el Papa y… vuelve a meterla a la primera. Tira el cura y falla.

“�Hostia puta que fallo!” vuelve a pronunciar.

Al momento se abre el cielo y un rayo purificador mata al Papa.

Y desde el cielo se oye… “�HOSTIA PUTA QUE FALLO!”.

SURVIVOR!

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THREE MEN ARE STRANDED IN AN ISLAND STARVING. ONE IS ANGLO, BLACK AND A MEXICAN. TIRED OF EATING COCUNUTS THEY DECIDED TO SACRIFICE ONE OF THEIR LIMBS OR BODY PARTS TO EAT. WELL THE ANGLO MAN AGREES ON CHOPPING HIS LEG IN THE MORNING SO THEY CAN HAVE BREAKFAST. LUNCH TIME COMES AND THEY ARE HUNGRY AGAIN SO THEY LOOK AT THE BLACK MAN HE AGREES ON CHOPPING ONE OF HIS HIPS. WELL NIGHT TIME SETS IN AND THE ANGLO AND BLACK MAN BOTH LOOK AT THE MEXICAN MAN WITH ENVY THAT HE HAS NOT SACRFICIED ANYTHING YET SO THEY BOTH TELL HIM THAT THEY ARE HUNGRY AND WANT SOMETHING TO EAT BEFORE THEY GO TO BED. THE MEXICAN MAN PAUSES FOR A MINUTE AND THEN STARTS TO PULL HIS PANTS DOWN WHEN THE TWO OTHER MEN START CHANTING YES! HOT DOG!! THE MEXICAN MAN SAYS TO THEM NOPE, MILK SO YOU GUYS CAN GO TO SLEEP!!!!! !!