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Polish Entrepreneurs

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2 Polish brothers arrive in America after a life time of poverty. With the little money they saved up they decided to open a business selling watermellons.
With a Total of 1000.00 they decided to buy a used truck valued at 900.00. With the remaining hundred they buy 100 watermelons.
Next day they decide to drive to their local city. They park the truck in front of a busy building and post a sign “Fresh Watermelons $1.00 each””. They sell out in one hour.
When they arrived home one of the brother’s counts the money.””Hey wait a minute we made no profit we have what we started with””
The other brother says””I know what we did wrong””
“”What we do wrong”” says the brother””

“”We needed to buy a bigger truck””

“

Wanna bet?

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A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender.

He slaps $10 on the table and says, �I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.�

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet.

He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge. �Betcha I can bite my own ear,� the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.

�OK,� he says, �I�ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won�t feel a thing.�

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts.

The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

�I can feel you,� she giggles.

�Oh well,� he says, �You win some, you lose some.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Never been with a woman…

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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.”What happened?” she asks.”I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

Make up test

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says,

“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Funny Signs

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Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.” -Mo4al ************

On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t
sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!” -Rickley L. Buck ************

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!! ************

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” – Adolph
Herbstrei ************

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello, can we pick your nose? -Chanel
Rose ************

Sign at the psychic’s hotline: Don’t call us, We’ll call you. -IBDOUGELL
************

At A Laundry shop: How about we refund your money Send you a new one at no
charge Close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory? ‘Signed Customer Service’ -Janet36603 ************

At a towing company: “We won’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
-Phred ************

Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs” -Joe E Bowers, Jr.

Rush Limbaugh’s Limo

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Rush Limbaugh and his driver are cruising down a country road one day in the limo. Suddenly, out of no where, a pig rushes in front of the car. The driver can’t stop in time or swerve and he hits the pig, killing it instantly.They see a farm house just ahead on the side of the road and assume that the pig belongs to the farmer who lives there. Rush says, ‘Pull up there and go in and tell them that you have run over their pig. Be careful that you don’t get them upset. You know how they feel about their animals.’ The driver does as he is told, stopping in front of the farm house and going up to the door . He knocks on the door and is admitted inside.Three hours later, the driver finally comes out with a smile and a wave to the farmer and his family. Rush says to the driver as he gets in, ‘What the hell happened to you? You’ve been gone for six hours!”Well,’ the driver says, ‘I went in and told them. The farmer ushered me to a chair and brought me a tall glass of corn liquor. His wife insisted on fixing me a huge feast to eat. The farmers boy shined my shoes and got me a pipe of really good tobacco to smoke. Then the farmer’s daughter came in dressed in a short skirt, sat on my lap and offered to take me in her bedroom. We had great sex. ‘When I came back out, they were all even friendlier than before. I tried to leave twice before I was finally able to get out of there.’Rush looks at him incredulously and asks, ‘What exactly did you tell them when you first went in?’. The driver says, ‘I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and that I just ran over the pig.’.

Notre Dame Joke

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A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he’d like
to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

“Listen buddy,” he growled. “See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both
linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was
a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame’s
all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now,
are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?”

“Nah, guess not,” the man replied. “I wouldn’t want to have to explain it 5
times.”

Watch Your Mouth!!!!

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This works great as a secret language to use around people you don’t like
whom you want to insult in front of other people.

Old Phrase New Phrase

No fucking way…………………….I don’t think thats feasible
You’ve got to be shitting me………..Really
Tell someone who gives a fuck……….Perhaps you should check with….
Ask me if I give a fuck…………….Of course I’m concerned
It’s not my fucking problem…………I wasn’t involved in that project
What the fuck……………………..Interesting behavior
Fuck it, it won’t work……………..I’m not sure I can impliment this
Why the fuck didn’t they tell……….I’ll try to schedule that
me sooner
When the fuck do they expect………..Are you sure it’s a problem
me to do this
He’s got his head up his ass………..He’s not familiar with the problem
Eat shit………………………….You don’t say
Eat shit and die…………………..Excuse me
Eat shit and die mother fucker………Excuse me sir
What the fuck do they want………….They aren’t happy with it
with my life
Kiss my ass……………………….So you’d like my help with it
Fuck it I’m on salary………………I’m a bit overloaded at the moment
Shove it up your ass……………….I don’t think you understand
This job sucks…………………….I love a challenge
Who the hell died and made you boss….You want me to take care of this
Blow me…………………………..I see
Blow yourself……………………..Do you see
Another fucking meeting…………….Yes, we should discuss this
I really don’t give a shit………….I don’t think it will be a problem
He’s fucking retarded………………He’s a bit confused