No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.
Author: admin
Yo momma so big…
Yo momma so big, everytime she turns around it’s her birthday.
Era un concurso internacional
Era un concurso internacional a ver quien de un pedo aventaba m�s lejos un cad�ver. Se inscribieron un gringo, un italiano y un mexicano. Para prepararse quince d�as antes del concurso, los tres se pusieron un tap�n.
El gringo comenz� a comer hot dogs, hamburguesas y ham and eggs; el italiano comi� pizzas, espagueti y ravioli; el mexicano se atasc� de frijoles, garnachas y tacos de todos tipos. Y empezaron a agarrar presi�n para el d�a del concurso.
Llego el d�a y el primero que pas� fue el gringo. Se puso en posici�n, le colocaron el cad�ver, se quit� el tap�n y empezo a pujar. Se avent� un pedo y mand� el cad�ver a cinco metros.
Despu�s vino el italiano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n y empez� a pujar; se avent� un pedo y lanz� el cad�ver a siete metros.
Le toc� el turno al mexicano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n, y la porra gritando: M�xico, M�xico, ra, ra, ra. Y empez� el pinche mexicano a pujar, se puso colorado, se le inflaron los cachetes y hasta le salieron lagrimitas de los ojos, y la porra: Mexico, Mexico, ra, ra, ra, y nada que pod�a, hasta que por fin se oy� un peque�o piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Toda la gente se quedo at�nita, y en eso se par� el cad�ver, se tap� las narices y le dijo al mexicano: “Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingas a tu madre”, se fue caminado y cay� a 20 metros, y con eso gan� el mexicano.
Newsmen
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.
Dogs and Dem Womenfolk
What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman
yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you….
Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Snore, and you sleep alone.
Old Lady in Court
Defence Attorney: What is your age?Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney: Did you know him?Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “take me, young man, Take me!”Defence Attorney: Did he take you?Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Havanna!Havanna who?Havanna a
Knock KnockWho’s there?Havanna!Havanna who?Havanna a wonderful time wish you were here!
Top Ten Signs the President is Angry
10.Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase “You can all bite me”
9.Giving people on the White House tour the finger
8.Punched the side of Al Gore’s head so hard he broke his hand
7.Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a Marine Band clarinetist
6.At recent Rose Garden ceremony, has Secret Service rough up some Spelling Bee champions
5.Blurted out to Roger, “Isn’t it time you got, like, a job?”
4.When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a Yoo-Hoo bottle
3.Feverishly adds names to long list of guys he’s going to slug the minute he becomes a private citizen
2.Actually talked back to Hillary
1.Every five minutes, he’s threatening to bomb Mexico
Reality? That’s where the
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Kids on the Internet
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was “GoofyMickeyMinniePluto” and so I asked why it was so long.
“Because,” my son explained, “they said it had to have at least four characters.”
How many Victorians does it take to screw…
How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.