6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation’s economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
Author: admin
Politically Correct Terms
New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90’s
OLD—————NEW
conservative–reactionary
the establishment–white power elite
hearing person–temporarily aurally abled
sighted person–temporarily visually abled
blind–visually challenged
mute–vocally challenged
deaf–aurally challenged
dead–metabolically different
alive–temporarily metabolically abled
ugly–aesthetically challenged
fat–gravitationally challenged
heavy-set–people of mass
rude–politically correct
psychopath–socially misaligned
crooked–ethically challenged
klutzy–kinesthetically challenged
bald–follicularly challenged
short–differently statured
non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
white male–oppressor
black–african-american
asian–asian-american
afro-american–african-american
minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black–person of color
Chicano–person of color
weird green freak–person of color
female–person of gender
drooling drunk idiot–person on floor
group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color
Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.
woman–womyn
women–wymin
girl–pre-womyn
man–oppressor
boy–oppressor-to-be
pregnancy–parasitic oppression
janitor–sanitation engineer
disabled car-mechanically challenged car
dish washer–utensil sanitizer
dairy–where cows are raped
ranch–where cattle are murdered
egg ranch–where hens are raped
biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies
fishing–raping the oceans
farming– exploiting mother earth
nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority
paper bag– processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80’s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).
old 80’s/90’s
deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
fat/big boned/alternative body image
When Do You Need a New Lawyer?
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.
4. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
5. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
6. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
8. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?”
9. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
“Whatever.”
At the Convent
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face.
She began to speak…
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…
A smoking warning for men
A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.Health Canada should take note of that penis study.There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population … of this man hath no greater fear.To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division — currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra — to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.Here’s what came up.* These cigarettes are king size — and you’re not.* Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.* If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.* Smoke rises — you may not.* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — if you were capable of conceiving any.* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there’s no before?* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.* Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.90. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.”
Q. What’s grey and comes in quarts?…
Q. What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant.
Laying Down The Rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin’, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
Hollow
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
The Proposition
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?”
In a strident voice, she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!”
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, “I just asked for the time, miss.”
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, “I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!”
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, “I’m terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.”
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, “YOU’D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT’S THAT?….. AND YOU’D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!”
Why do we sing “Take
Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Comeback to Yo Mama Joke
Hey, you leave my mama outta this and I’ll leave this outta your
mama!