A man is in the hospital and he gets a hard on and it is 6 feet in the air. So he hits the button for the nurse. She finally comes in and he tells her there is a fly on the end of his dick and he can’t reach it. So she tries and can’t reach it. So she finally decides to climb it so she climbs and is almost st the top and she slides all the way down. She tries again and slides back down. Ny now she is getting frustrated and tries again. And she slides back down. She tells the man she will try 1 more time and he says ” nurse, if you climb your sweet ass up one more time I will shoot that sonovabitch off
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Army Wisdom
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re not ready for them.
b. When you’re ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
May’s Law: The quality
May’s Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
First Class
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
Stuff It
He laid her on the table
so white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
and then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide… he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
And then he stuffed the turkey.
The Top 15 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver
15> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it — at traffic court.
14> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.
13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra.
12> You’ve racked up so many points on your driver’s license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next vehicular manslaughter conviction.
11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver’s license.
10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar for “Monster’s Ball” was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.
9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.
8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now “feel like walking to Jordan.”
7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.
6> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht afteb you.
5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the “designated drunk.”
4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.
3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.
2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door — and it was *up* at the time.
1> Every time your cell phone rings while you’re putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
What is the difference between
What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Lion King?
One’s an African Lion and the other is a Lying African,
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing…
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.
Magic Mountain Of Shit
One time three people a canadian, a american, and a chinise
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you’d land in it. So they decided they’d try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the chinse guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.
4 parachutes
5 people are on an airplane, the president, the vice-president,
the smartest man in the world, the oldest man in the world,and a
little boy. the airplane is going to crash and there are only 4
parachutes. The president says..”Well the nation needs me so
i’ll take the first parachute” and he jumps out of the plane.
Then the vice-president says “well if the president’s shoot
doesn’t open then the nation needs me.” so he takes the second
chute. then the smartest man in the world says…”I am needed to
solve the math problems of the world” so he takes the third
shoot. The the oldest man in the world says little boy take the
last chute i’ve lived a long life, then the boy says ….”wait
we can both go the smartest man in the world took my backpack.”
Yo mama
yo mama so fat when a yellow bus filled with white people turned the corner she said twinkie
Turpentine vs. Holy Water
A boy was sitting on the street corner in front of a catholic
church one day holding a bottle of turpentine. Then the pope
came out and asked him what he had in his hands.
The boy replied, “This is turpentine, the most powerful potion
in the world!”
Then the pope said, “I hate to dissagree with you boy but holy
water is the most powerful potion in the world. If you put it on
the belly of a pregnent woman then she will pass her baby right
away!”
The boy said, “Well, if you put this on a cat’s ass then it will
pass a motorcycle!”