What kind of cereal do cats eat? Mice Crispies!
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Things men wish women knew part 1
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.
2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don’t make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you
don’t want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship�.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different; it’s just like every other
cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
Q: How many light
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two, the new one and the old one.
Tasting Test
A teacher was testing her class’s ability to taste by giving them life savers.
First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, “cherry!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, “peppermint?”
“excellent,” said the teacher.
Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor.
“I’ll give you a clue. It’s something that your mommy calls your daddy” said the teacher.
Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted, “Quick ,spit them out ! They’re ass holes!”
Control Issues
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?”
The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees.”
The first two men were dumbfounded.
“Whoa! What happened next?”, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third
man had to say.
The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, “Yep. I had
her on her knees. Until she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'”
Childhood Of Yore
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn’t matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at
the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Easter Egg Prank
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock
Hole behind you
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?
She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class
1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number. 3. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”. 4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”. 6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 8. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!” 10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Famous Sex Quotes
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
–Steve Martin
“You know that look women get when they want sex?
. . .Me neither.”
–Drew Carey
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have
a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
–Unknown
“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
–Rodney Dangerfield
“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.”
–Bill Kelly
“As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen.” — Rev. Sydney Smith
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date
on Saturday night.”
–Woody Allen
“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly
gifted aren’t burdened with children.”
–Sam Austin
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
–George Burns
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married.”
–Matt Barry
“Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist.”
–Camille Paglia
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
–George Burns
Understanding Women
A man is walking down the road on a nice autumn day, when he comes across an old bottle. He decides to rub it, (as you do to old bottles you find laying in the road) and lo and behold, a genie pops out. (As usually happens when you rub bottles). To thank him for freeing him, the genie decides to give the man one wish, to wish for whatever he wants. (obviously the genie was not feeling too generous as he’d had a bad night the night before),”I’ve never been to Hawaii.” the man says “But i hate to fly as i get airsick, and i also get seasick when travelling in a boat. But i’d really like to go. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so I could drive there?” The genie shakes his head.”That would take forever, and would cost billions of dollars. Isn’t there something simpler you’d want?”The man thinks a bit more and then says, “Ok, I’d really like to know what makes women tick.” The genie smiles and replies, “Will that highway be two lanes or four?”
Folding Beds
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.