Author: admin

Gifts to Mom

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second
said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled
and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. “Milton,”
she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

Operating systems as beers

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Windows NT Beer — Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Engineers’ Terminologies

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1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED:
We are still guessing.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM:
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION:
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH:
It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED:
We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE:
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING:
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED:
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS:
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT:
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL:
Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what
we’ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION:
I can’t wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS:
Come into my office, I’m lonely.
15. ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED:
Too darn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT:
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT:
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING:
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE:
Impossible to fix if broken.

Managed Care

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Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has
been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved
thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.

St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and
thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in… but you can only stay three days.”

The 3 Guys in a Plane

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There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.
They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.
The 2nd one threw out a bannana.
The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.
A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “a Bannana hit me on the head.”

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, “Why are you laughing?”
He answered, “I farted and my house blew up!”

George Carlinisms

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How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they
keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his
Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear
earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what
are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look
the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns
out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a
running child?

Time for a Divorce

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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. “Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” “One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’

Lion Tamer

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.””Yes I do!””Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?””Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.””Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?””Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.””Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?””Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.””Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?””Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.””Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?””Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”

Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy

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A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna
hear a blonde joke?”
The man says back to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me
is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde.
The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde
joke?”

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to
have to explain it five times.”