A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he�d had enough.The bartender said, “I�ve got to ask you. What�s with the pocket business?””Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer�s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I�ve had enough.”
Author: admin
The cowboy
a cowboy walks into a chineese guys bar and says bartender give me a coke.the bartender laughs real hard after the cowboy drinks the coke and the guy says me chineese me play joke me go peepee in your coke the cowboy says oh yeah me cowboy me so fast me put bullet in your ass the chineese guy says uhoh (BANG)
the difference between fred flinston and binladen
how is binladen like fred flinston? when he looks through the
window he sees rubble!
Clinton in Oz
The Scarecrow, Tin Man and Bill Clinton were walking down the yellow brick road and saw the Emerald City in the distance.The Scarecrow says, “Wow, what a beautiful place, I wonder if I can find a brain”The Tin Man says, “Wow, what a beautiful place, I wonder if I can find a heart”President Bill Clinton says, “Wow, what a beautiful place…..Where’s Dorothy?”
Good Shopping
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
Careerist
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A doctor?”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their
clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?A: A Space Invader.
The 12 inch Pianist
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants to drink and he replies a beer. He hears something and turns around and sees a little 12 inch pianist.
The guy asked the bartender where he got the 12 inch pianist. The bartender replies “I got from my genie” and hands him his beer. The guy says can I borrow that genie and the bartender says sure.
So the guy goes into the bathroom and wishes for a million bucks. He comes out of the bathroom with ducks flying everywhere. The bartender asks what did you wish for.The guy replies “I wished for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.” The bartender says,”Well do you think I wished for a 12 INCH PIANIST!!!
George W Bush meets Moses!
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “YES, I AM!”
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
New drugs
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…
DIRECTRA — a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA — Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA — Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks — especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA — In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA — Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA — Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA — This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA — This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA — This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA — About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
LIAGRA — This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Soooooo Fat
Your momma is sooo fat, every time she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
Bathroom rhymes and graffiti (Part 3)
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 60
=————————————–
In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front
of the
stall so you had to lean forward to read it:
You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.
Sure enough, he was right.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 61
=————————————–
“Here I sat to take a dump.
Out it squirmed, a greasy lump.
Greenish-black, like melting tar
Or oil from an old used car.
It floats a moment, then it sinks.
My chunky cable – how it stinks!
My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs,
And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs.
I weep with pride at my slimy shit,
And ROB is the name I give to it!”
– Lord Byron
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 62
=————————————–
In one persons handwriting –
I love Amy M.
In someone elses right below it –
Who hasn’t?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 63
=————————————–
I stink, therefore I am.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 64
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Written on a bathroom wall:
“Question Authority”
and written beneath it:
“Why?”
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 65
=————————————–
A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don’t swim in your toilet,
so please don’t pee in our pool!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 66
=————————————–
Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 67
=————————————–
If you find there is no paper,
Use your finger as a scraper.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 68
=————————————–
Scrawled inside a toilet stall of a college chemistry building:
For a really high time, call CH3-COOH.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 69
=————————————–
here I sit
arms enfolding
my melting body.
I’m wondering of you
as I slowly become one
with the chair that holds me.
Here I Sit
———-
(as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)
:1:
Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation –
Oh, the pains of constipation!
Hours have passed, I’ve merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!
Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can’t shit a single turd?
:2:
As I sit disgorging vapour
My pen rests on toilet paper
Spreading ink out from its tip –
Till the fragile sheets will rip,
And create a sphinctral fissure
Which the pen, with lightest pressure,
Will advance through, triumphally
… deepening my melancholy.
Save me lord from poet’s clog!
Spare me this cramped stinky bog!
This unending waiting on
A clammy bum-unfriendly john!
:3:
No! I will not sit and mope!
Yes! I’ll sit, with rumbling hope
To my tum a glow imparting,
Wishing shitting, faintly farting,
Till my muse gets off her butt
And proceeds to squeeze my gut –
Then will plop a finely worded
Poem, goldenly bemerded,
In a blaze of spice (and fury
of the evening’s hot tandoori
chicken …) and in one grand motion
I’ll have spewed my gut-emotion!
:Epilogue:
So I *will* sit, spouting gas
Even if, in hours that pass,
Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten –
I won’t rise till something’s written!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 70
=————————————–
In the Crown & Anchor Pub Ladies Room (Austin, Texas)
If you can’t trust me with a Choice,
How can you trust me with a Child?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 71
=————————————–
Seen in a college chemistry building’s men’s room:
Flush twice – this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 72
=————————————–
Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:
Push button for a message from Congress.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 73
=————————————–
Seen in a bathroom at a truck stop near Las Vegas, Nevada:
There used to be a Mexican joke here…but it slid off.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 74
=————————————–
Various graffiti written into the grout:
Alexander the Grout
All creatures grout and small
Down and Grout
Grout Expectations
Grout Expectations
Grout Googly Moogly
Grout balls of fire
Grout dane
Grout expectations
Grout fishing in America
Grout of sight, Grout of mind
Grout scott
Groutful Dead
Saur Grout
Sometimes a Grout Notion
The Grout Divide
The Grout Gatsby
The Grout Groutdoors
Take me grout to the ball game
Three Strikes You’re Grout
Twist and grout