Why did the dog cross the road?
He saw some dog food.
Author: admin
Twice
Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violist’s fingers?
A: They both never strike the same place twice.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
George W. Bush visiting the Jefferson Memorial.
“Well, it’s an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of
July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great
inalienable rights of our country. We’re blessed with such values in America.
And I � it’s � I’m a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful
values.” �George W. Bush, visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C.,
July 2, 2001
Dirt Poor
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”
To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”
But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”
What do you get when you put 50 politicians…
What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
– 100 people who don’t do dick!
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!
El capit�n de un barco
El capit�n de un barco est� pasando lista a la tripulaci�n:
“Jorge”.
“Presente”.
“Jaime”.
“Presente”.
“Margarito”.
“�Ay, presente!”, exclama con voz aflautada.
“�Margarito, ag�rrese los huevos y diga presente”, ordena el capit�n.
“�Ay, preSENTE!”
Un rato despu�s, todos los tripulantes zarpan en peque�os y fr�giles botes. De pronto, Margarito cae al agua y un tibur�n comienza a atacarlo:
“�Ay, auxilio! �Auxilio que me muerde el tibuR�N!”
Una monja va a visitar
Una monja va a visitar a un familiar en una ciudad vecina cuando su coche de descompone en plena carretera. Entonces, un chofer de cami�n se ofrece a llevarla a la ciudad. Despu�s de un rato, el chofer empieza a acariciar los muslos de la monja.
Ella dice solamente: “Mateo 1:13”.
El ch�fer retira la mano y sigue conduciendo. Despu�s de un rato trata de nuevo, pero la monja solamente dice: “Mateo 1:13”.
Finalmente llegan a su destino y la monja baja y el ch�fer contin�a su camino hasta llegar a un hotel donde se hospeda. En la habitaci�n, encuentra una biblia y lee Mateo 1:13 que dice:”Est�s en el camino correcto.”
Football fan to rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his
notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter
and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he
continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team
do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck
Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball
and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple
integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water,
and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball
table.
We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has
become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
In the next toilet
Ten ways to annoy the person in the next toilet…1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy big boy!’3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor�s wall. Then say, ‘Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?’5. Say, ‘C’mon Mr Happy, don’t fall asleep on me!’6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.7. Say, ‘Damn, this water’s cold.’8. Say, ‘Hmm, I’ve never seen that color before.’9. Say, ‘Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.’10. Drop a marble and say, ‘Oh shit, my glass eye.’