1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long
their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” This
might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how
long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisa and the Forty two children. You may
have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will
definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls – your bookie,
order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a
tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who
visited you.
7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it,
the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what’s going on,
say “nothing, why?” in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as above, except say “beep” instead of giggling.
9. Guys – part way through; begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the
whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see…) throughout and if they
ask you what you’re doing, pull a #7. If they’re still there when you are done,
ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten
minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
Author: admin
I AM
A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God
was black or white. The white preacher askes, “God, are you black or white”? God
responds, “I Am that I Am”. The white preacher says “He’s white”. The black
preacher says, “Why do you say that”?! The white preacher says, “If He were
black, He would have said, ‘I Is that I Is'”.
Harassment?
Do you know what sexual harassment is?
It’s when a man talks dirty to a woman.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Redneck quickies 24
You might be a redneck if…
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You’ve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Pick-Up Lines Galore!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs….what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I’m cute?
The wife
The wife says: I’m not yelling!The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”The wife says: The same old thing.The wife means: Nothing.The wife says: Nothing.The wife means: Everything.The wife says: Nothing, really.The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.The wife means: I’m still building up steam.
A quote on marriage
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22
Cyber lingo for rednecks
Windows-A danger zone for Fido. Modem-A good way to get rid of
weeds. Mouse-Something the cat chases.
Puppies don’t surf…
Why Dogs don’t surf the web…
Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Better Than Pork
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”
The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
Ways Barney Should Die
1. Nitroglycerin suppository
2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
3. Paper cuts from hate mail
4. Wine press
5. Random act of terrorism
6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
8. Exploding gas barbeque
9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
10. Rusty meat hook
11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
12. Sexually transmitted disease
13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu
14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
15. Barney meets the Terminator. “Hasta la vista…BARNEY!”.
16. Exploding school bus
17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.
18. Children’s Tylenol laced with cyanide
19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie
23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
27. Tail caught in elevator doors
28. Legalization of purple slavery
29. Home lobotomy kit
30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33. Close encounter with a white supremist.
34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36. Swarmed by killer bees
37. Purple parasites
38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41. Assilimation by the Borg.
42. Accupunture with a nail gun
43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44. Hit and run at a school crossing
45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
50. Harpooned by a whaling ship
51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and “accidentally” pummeled with a baseball bat
52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
54. OOPS! Barney shouldn’t have soldered that propane tank while full.
55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata
56. Run over by a zamboni
57. “I love you” song triggers avalanche.
58. “Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train.
59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties
63. Inquiring minds want to know…What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64. Used as a crash test dummy.
65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
66. Barney used as shark bait.
67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
71. Nato air strike.
72. Live organ donor.
73. Egyptian mummification ritual.
74. Plummet into an active volcano.
75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
79. Purple Jonestown reagent.
80. Visit to the taxidermist.
81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
82. Take him off Prozac.
83. Forced to watch “The Wall” video without his happy pills.
84. 100 hours of continuous “Black Sabbath”.
85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
87. Spontaneous combustion.
88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
89. Compressed to a singularity.
90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
91. Send him to a Bill’s game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
92. The plague
93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.
94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney’s head is full of worms.
98. Massage with a stun gun.
99. Heat pasteurization.
100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
102. Barney meets Elmira (I’m gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)
103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).
110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.
111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
112. Paint “Branch Dividian & Proud of it” and drop him off at the BATF hq.
113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.
114. Barney scrapple.
115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.
117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.
118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
Why do Mexicans drive low
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
So they can pick up the cans on their way home.
Why do they put hydrolics on their car?
So they can smash the cans afterwards.