Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two thirds.
Author: admin
Republicans
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? What do you mean change?
Wifes Dream
A newlywed couple goes to bed early on Christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: “Honey, Honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!”Husband: “Huh, what was it?”Wife: “In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!”Husband: “Well, it was my dick, right?” Wife: “No, it was Dennis Rodman’s!”The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodman’s dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: “Honey, I had the most amazing dream!” Wife: “What was it?”Husband: “In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy’s. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!”Wife: “Was it mine?”Husband: “No, yours was holding the tree up!”
Squirrels
Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.
Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.
“What’s wrong?” They asked. “Yeah, you scared off our game.”
“I’m sorry, fellas. I didn’t screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn’t yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS…”
What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, “Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?”
8 boys
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid ‘Kevin’. ‘Right’, he said, ‘what about that blond one over there?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?’ ‘Kevin’, she said.
‘Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Are all your boys called Kevin?’ he asked, ‘isn’t that terribly complicated?’
‘Not at all’, she said, ‘it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it’s time for bed!, they all go to bed.’
‘I see. But what if you want only one of them?’
‘No problem.’ she answers. ‘Then I call them by their surnames.’
Un tipo se ganaba la
Un tipo se ganaba la vida vendiendo gallinas. Un d�a lleg� un comprador:
“Hola, necesito tres gallinas, pero tienen que ser de San Juan”.
Para atender el pedido, el vendedor le mete el dedo en el culo a diez de las gallinas, hasta que consigue las tres que necesitaba.
De ese modo sigui� vendiendo gallinas a todo aquel que le ped�a gallinas por pueblo especifico. Y todo el tiempo estaba un borracho observando y tan pronto como se aseguro que el m�todo del hombre funcionaba, por la satisfacci�n de los compradores, se le acerc� y le dijo:
“Veo que puedes decir de d�nde son las gallinas”.
“S�, �en qu� le puedo ayudar?”
Baj�ndose los pantalones y ense��ndole el culo, el beodo le explica:
“Es que se me olvid� en d�nde vivo”.
Michael jacksons favorite song
Q:What is ichael jacksons favorite song?
A:Elton Johns Dont let your son go down on me
Reward these soldiers for their work
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
Kilroy was here
Kilroy was here
Heaven and Hell
What is Heaven? What is Hell?
In Heaven:
The English run the hotels.
The French cook the food.
The Swiss are the police.
The Germans fix the cars.
The Italians are the lovers.
In Hell:
The French run the hotels.
The English cook the food.
The Germans are the police.
The Swiss are the lovers.
The Italians fix the cars.
In both places the Americans run the army. Whether they do it right or not doesn’t matter; they are the only ones who will take the job!
Old Scottish man
A scottish old timer in scotland, in a bar, talks to a young man.
old man:
“lad, look out there to the field. do yaw see that fence? look how well it’s
built. i built that fence stone by stone with me
own two hands, piled it for months. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-fence-builder? nook.”
then the old man gestured at the bar.
“look here at the bar. do yaw see how smooth and just it is? i planed that
surface down by me own aching’ back. i carved that
wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-bar-builder?
nook…”
then the old man points out the window.
“eh, lady, look out to sea. do yaw see that pier that stretches out as far as
the eye can see? i built that pier with the
sweat off me back. i nailed it board by board. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-pier-builder? nook… ”
then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying
attention.
“but yaw f*** one sheep . . . “
The Strength Of 100 Men
Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said,
“Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a
match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get
you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several
times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his
face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back
hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him,
getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he
asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”