Your butt so big, that when you were born, the doctor said “Congratulations!
Twins!”
Author: admin
Illegal Cock Fights
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate.
He reported to his sergeant the next morning.
“Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'” he began.
“Good work. Who are they?” the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, “De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia.”
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, “How did you find that out in one night?”
“Well,” he replied, “I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.”
The sergeant nodded, “I’ll buy that. But what about the others?”
Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, “Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.”
“Ah, sighed the sergeant, “And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?”
“De duck won.”
Walk Out Of Church
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.””I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.”It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
Frito Lay
What did the bag of chips say to the battery?
I’m Frito Lay if you’re Everready.
Monsters going funny
1.Who does a vampire love?
the girl necks-door!
2.Docter, Docter I keep thinking im a bridge what on earth has come over you? 3 Trucks 5 vans and 18 cars!
3.Docter, Docter how do I stop my nose from running? Stick your foot out an trip it up!
Top 10 Actual Email Addresses
Many colleges and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people
to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved,
however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) – [email protected]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) – [email protected]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) –
[email protected]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) –
[email protected]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) – [email protected]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) –
[email protected]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) – [email protected]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) – [email protected]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton
Canada) – [email protected]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us) – [email protected]
Stuff It
He laid her on the table
so white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
and then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide… he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Thor the God of Love
THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.
As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.
He walks over and says – “Good morning, I’m THOR”!
She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says –
YOUR THOR…I’M SO THOR I CAN’T PITH!
Army Wisdom
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re not ready for them.
b. When you’re ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
The Top 15 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver
15> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it — at traffic court.
14> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.
13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra.
12> You’ve racked up so many points on your driver’s license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next vehicular manslaughter conviction.
11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver’s license.
10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar for “Monster’s Ball” was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.
9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.
8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now “feel like walking to Jordan.”
7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.
6> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht afteb you.
5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the “designated drunk.”
4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.
3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.
2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door — and it was *up* at the time.
1> Every time your cell phone rings while you’re putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Talk like an adult!
The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
First Pupil: “I visited my Nana.”
Teacher: “Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.”
Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.”
Teacher: “Please, you had a ride on a train.”
Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.”
Teacher: “Excellent. And what was the name of the book?”
Third Pupil, with a big grin: “Winnie The Shit!”
blonde and a pool table
how is a blonde and a pool table alike? you put in fifty cents and they rack your balls