What do you call two Packies jumping out of a plane?
Chocolate drops.
Author: admin
Bad news
A man sat in his attorney’s office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Arresting your Mom
A police recruit was asked on an exam: “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” In the blank, he wrote: “Call for backup.”
100 % Chance
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. “
“The others all died.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Did he kill you?
Attorney: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify
me.”
Attorney: Did he kill you?
A Pakistani walked into a
A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, “Sorry sir, we don’t
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. You’ll have to
bring your elephant in.” To which the poor man replied, “I am wanting to
know isn’t it. What is this reason that you do not serve me?” The shop
assistant replied, “Because you might eat the pet food yourself.”
The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. “Two bales of hay please.”
A few days later, the guy is in again. “I am wanting isn’t it. To buy a
sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes.”
“Sorry sir, we don’t serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself.”
Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red arse
and demands, “I am wanting a sack of nuts isn’t it!”
A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw meat
for his tiger. The same response, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve…”
Next day he’s in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day he
walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small hole
in the top.
“Please be putting your finger into this little hole.”
“I’m not going to do that!” the shop assistant responds.
“Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into the
hole in this little box.”
“No! I’ve no idea what is in there!”
“Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very important
to me that you put your finger into this hole.”
“Oh, all right”
She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at
the brown muck and says…
“Shit!”
“Two toilet rolls please!”
Yo momma so fat…..
yo momma so fat she aint go skinny dippin she went chunky ducken
The Camel, and the Elephant
One day while the Camel, and the Elephant were near by each other, the Elephant looked over to the Camel. The Elephant says to the Camel (What a silly place you choose to have your tits on your back) The Camel who is touched by the Elephants remark then turns to the Elephant to now say (Well how about you then, I mean fancy putting your dick on your head mate)
Facelift 2
This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor’s office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, “Lady those aren’t bags, they’re your tits and if you don’t stop turning those screws you’re going to have a beard!”
Christian Bear
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.”
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”
A College Christmas
A College Christmas
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?…
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!
You can’t say this?
What a shame sir!
We’ll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!