Ebonics Xmas

Wuz de night befo Crismus

An all ober de hood

Everybody wuz sleepin’

Day wuz sleepin’ good.

Everbody wuz sleepin’

all tight in they beds

Whilst Thunderbird Wine

Danced in they heads

I was passed out on de flo

Right next to my Ma

When I heard such a fuss

I thinked “It must be de law!!”

I looked out tru de barz

dat covered my do

Spectin’ de sherif

with a warrant fo sho!

Now ober de years

Sanny Claws, he be white.

But it lookin’ like us bros

got a black Sanny dis night

Now what I did see

made me say “LAWD Lood at dat!”

It was a huge watermellon cadi

pulled by dwarf rats

Faster than a po-lice car

True de air he came

an whupped up on dem warf rats

an called emm by name.

On Leroy, on Kendrick,

On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious

They was a sight to see

He didn’t go down no chimbly

-just picked de lock on my do’

An I says to myself-

“Shit! He done did befo’!”

He had a big sack

full of presents I spect

With Air Jordans and Fake Gold

to go ’round my neck.

But he didn’t leave any presents

-just started steelin’ my shit

He got my drugs, my stoled guns

an even my burglars kit!

With his sack on his back

Out de winder he flew

I sho woulda catched ’em,

but he stole my knife too!

He jumped on dat watermelon cadi

and pulled out a switch

He was gone in a second

dat son-of-a-bitch

I sho hope nex year

a white Sanny we git

‘Cause de black Sanny Claws

jus’ ain’t wuf a shit!

Flip Flops and Dildo

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas. Tom says “I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW”. Harry asked “if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW”.”So if she didn’t like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW” said Tom, “well what did you get your wife?” Harry replies “well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo”.Tom laughs and askes “why did you get her a dildo?””Well so if she didn’t like the flip flops she could go screw herself”

On a flight from Dallas

On a flight from Dallas to New York, just after the “Fasten Your Seat Belts”
sign went out, a rather large man, in a cowboy hat and boots got up, went to the
front of the plane and announced, “I’m James Brown, B – R – O – W – N, I am
a white, Protestant American. I’m white from tip to toe and I hate
niggers, Jews and Catholics.” He then returned to his seat.

Halfway through the flight, he stood up again, walked to the front
of the plane and announced:
“Hello folks, you know me, Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N, a white,
Protestant American, white from tip to toe, and I can tell you this, I
hate niggers, Jews and Catholics”.

Just after the captian announced that the plane was begining to descend, he
again stood, went to the front of the plane and told his story once more:
After the flight captain has announced that they are beginning to descend
“Hi folks, I’m Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N,
a white, Protestant American and I hate niggers, Jews and Catholics”.
He then returned to his seat.

A small, narrow chested person, with a black hat and a curl of hair on one
side of his head stood up and introduced himself: “Ladies and gentlemen,
I’m Solomon Feinstein, I am an American citizen and as you all might have
guessed, I am Jewish. But I am white from tip to toe, except for my
asshole which is brown, B – R – O – W – N”.

Why Is E-mail Like The Penis

Why is E-Mail like the Penis?

-Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.

-Those who have it somehow believe those who don’t are inferior.

-Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat but doubt it’s worth all the
fuss that those who have it make about it.

-Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it; phenomenon
psychologists call E-Male Envy.

-It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any work done.

-In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it
should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

-If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

-We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence
warrant.

-If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of
trouble.

Baby’s Revenge

This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!” .

And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.

Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”

Some very common traits in two drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.The first man then asks: “Where are you from?””I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.””Of course,” replies the second man.I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin,” comes the reply.”I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.””Of course,” replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?””Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.””This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.”Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Note: This Application must be filled out completely or it will be rejected; it must be accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, genealogy history; a complete criminal and medical background check must be submitted as required: We reserves the right to have drug screening; psychological profile; or polygraph test performed as we see fit.

MUST BE FILLED OUT COMPLETELY!

NAME___________________________

DATE OF BIRTH____________/___/_________

HEIGHT______ WEIGHT________ I.Q._____ GPA._________

SOCIAL SECURITY #____-______-_____

DRIVERS LICENSE #______-_____-_____

BOY SCOUT RANK __________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________________

CITY / STATE_______________ ZIP__________

HOME PHONE___-_____-_______

WORK PHONE____-_____-_____

PARENT’S ADDRESS IF NOT LIVING AT HOME ________________________

CITY / STATE __________ ZIP____________

THEIR HOME PHONE#____-______-_____

THEIR WORK PHONE#_____-____-_____(FATHER) _____-____-_____(MOTHER)

CHURCH THAT YOU ATTEND NAME____________________________ ADDRESS________________________________________________

CITY / STATE___________________________ ZIP____________

DISQUAIFALICATIONS:

DO YOU OWN:

A VAN ?_______

A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES ?______

A FAST CAR ?________

A WATERBED ?_____

DO YOU HAVE EARRING; NOSE RING;BELLY BUTTON RING ?______

TATTOO ?_____

BOOM BOX ?______

(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS; DISCONTINUE THIS APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES NOW.)

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU ?

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS ,WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU ?

WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVEIW YOUR FATHER,MOTHER,AND MINISTER ?

(ANSWER FILLING IN THE BLANKS, PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FREELY . ALL ANSWERS WILL BE CONFIDENENTIAL.)

IF I WERE SHOT , THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT TO BE WOUNDED IS THE _______________.

IF I WERE BEATEN,THE LAST BONE IN MY BODY I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS_____________.

THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOES NO ASK ME ABOUT IS_______________.

IN THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT OF MY UNTIMELY DEATH ,I WOULD LIKE________________ TO BE CONTACTED.

MY GREATESTED FEAR IS_______________________?

WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL THE ONE THING I NOTICE ABOUT HER IS________________? (NOTE : IF THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION STARTS WITH A B, DISCONTINUE AND LEAVE PREMISES-KEEPING HEAD LOW AND RUN AWAY IN A SERPENTINE FASHION.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?_______________.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FINGERPRINTED ?_____________________.

HAD A DNA SAMPLE TAKEN AND RECORDED ?__________________.

YOUR DENTIST’S NAME IS_________________________________

EMERGANCY # IS___________________.

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

__________________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name)

NOTE: AFTER SUBMITTING YOUR APPLICATION, PLEASE ALLOW 4-6 YEARS FOR PROCESSING.