Author: admin

Vanishing Act

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Three men are about to go into heaven, a robber, a pickpocket,
and a gay man. God says to them, “To enter heaven you must
overcome your greatest temptations…”

God turned to the robber and said, “go back down to earth and
don’t steal anything for an entire day.” The robber agreed.

God turned to the pickpocket and said, “go back down to earth
and don’t pickpocket anything for an entire day.” The pickpocket
agreed.

God finnally said to the gay man, “go back down to earth and
restrain from having sex with any man for an entire day.” The
gay man agreed.

All three were back on earth, where they found themselves in a
mall.

Then the robber saw a brand new stereo system in the window of a
electronics store. He couldn’t stand it and just as he grabbed
the handle of the stereo, WHOOOOSH…he vanished into thin air
and was sent to hell.

Then the pickpocket saw a woman drop her bag, and just as he was
bending down to swipe some money, WHOOOOOSH, the gay man
vanished.

Bush’s Quiche

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Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore
what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, “I would like
Eggs Benedict.”

The waitress says, “Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?”

Perusing the menu, George says, “Well, I think I’d like to have a quickie.”

Taken aback, the waitress responds, “Why Gov. Bush, that’s awful, and you’re
not even President yet!”

Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush’s ear, “George, that’s pronounced
‘quiche.'”

Bush responds – “Hey, you order what you want and I’ll order what I want.”

Vasectomy

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A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy. During the delicate operation, one of his testicles falls onto the floor and before the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.

The doctor tells the nurse, “Don’t worry, we can replace it. Get me a very small onion.” She does and the doctor replaces the missing ball with the onion.

A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor, who asks him what seems to be the problem.

“Well, it’s like this,” the patient replies. “Every time I take a piss, my eyes water. Every time I come, I get heartburn, and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!”

Una se�ora acude al ginec�logo

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Una se�ora acude al ginec�logo porque estaba un poco amoscada por una raya negra que ten�a en la entrepierna, justo en la ingle.

El m�dico la examina, le dice que no parece grave y le receta una pomada, pidi�ndole que regrese a los quince d�as.

Pasado ese tiempo, la mujer vuelve y resulta que la raya no hab�a desaparecido, sino que, a�n m�s, �sta se hab�a ensanchado. Entonces, el ginec�logo le receta una pomada m�s fuerte y le pide regresar en ocho d�as.

La se�ora vuelve y la raya era m�s ancha a�n, tanto que ahora el mosqueado era el m�dico. Tratando de encontrar una soluci�n comienza a interrogarla:

“D�game, �a qu� se dedica su marido?”

“Es carpintero”.

“�Ah� est�, joder! �D�gale a su esposo que cuando le coma el co�o se quite el lapicero de la oreja, cojones!”

found a cat

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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child
innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’
and
he didn’t move.”

Nixon vs. Clinton

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Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her.

Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference

Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President

…and my #1 favorite:

Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.

Drunk Superhero

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Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, ”Hey, I’ll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!” Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ”YOU’RE ON!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ”WOW,” screamed the 2nd guy, ”That was incredible. Do it again!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ”That is remarkable. Do it one more time!””Ok,” said the first guy, ”But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it.”The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ”Your turn,” he said.So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ”This is easy. He did it, so can I!” The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ”You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman!”’

A Guy Dies and Finds Himself in Hell

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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in Hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers,
diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some
more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out.
If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow
poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before…

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s
okay… you’re already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…