If a bird can fly, can a fly bird?
Author: admin
Female drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.
That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.
A Classy Bar
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.” The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?” The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
Top Ten Potential New Jobs for Bill Clinton
10. Part time work for an “escort” agency
9. Color commentator for the Braves
8. Shampoo commercial model for suave shampoo
7. Guest celebrity psychic for the 1-900-PSYCHIC hotline
6. Replace Dave as spokesman for Wendy’s
5. Guest shot on “Jeff Foxworthy”
4. Food critic for the Little Rock Gazette
3. Columnist for “High Times” magazine
2. Star as “Jethro” in the next Beverly Hillbillies Movie
1. Top Ten list editor for “Funny Town”
What the halo?
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, she was met at the pearly
gates by Saint Peter, and told to come right in, that “He” was expecting
her. She went inside, and was met by a host of angels singing praises to
her. These angels led her to a room in which God himself was waiting.
Mother Teresa was humbled as God spoke of all the good she had done for
the less fortunate masses on earth.
He went on to tell her that, in appreciation of all the good work she had
performed, He had made a special halo just for her. It was bigger than all
the other halos in heaven, and he wanted her to wear it proudly.
Mother Teresa, being the humble soul that she is, protested, saying that
she only did what she did because she was trying to live a life worthy of
Christ, and God replied that He was well aware of that, but just wear the
halo, that it would make him happy.
So Mother Teresa went forth wearing the halo, and was the center of
attention wherever she went. One day though, she saw someone with a much
larger halo, and with interest picqued, she went to see who rated a halo
larger than hers. It was none other Princess Di. This troubled Mother
Teresa, and caused her to go to God to find out what Di did to rate a
bigger halo.
“My Lord, I am not one to complain, and I am very humbled that I have been
given such a large halo, but I feel I must ask, why would Princess Di have
a larger halo than I?” “My child,” the Lord answered, “that is not a halo,
it’s a steering wheel.”
Northwest hell
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.’Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,’ he said. ‘Im waiting in line for judgment, but I couldnt help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’ ‘Ah, those…’ Satan said with a groan. ‘They’re all from Seattle; theyre too wet to burn!’
Hard up for cash
There’s this couple who are financially strapped. They’ve been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don’t lose their home. The wife didn’t have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, “Hey, we could sell you.” He said, “I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative.” She agrees to his idea.
They go downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait. He will watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay. A few minutes after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, “How much?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”
So she runs across the street, and says to her husband, “He wants to know how much, what should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him a hundred bucks.” So she runs back across the street, and tells him, “One hundred bucks.” The man says, “One hundred dollars? That’s too much. I don’t have a hundred bucks. How much for a blow job?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”
So she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, “He says a hundred bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job. What should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him thirty dollars.”
So she runs back across the street and says to the guy, “Thirty dollars for a blow job.” He says, “Great! I have thirty dollars.” So she gets into the car and he undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12″ penis.
She looks and says, “Can you please just wait one more minute? I’ll be right back.” She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her husband, “Can we loan this guy $70?”
New Furniture
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
“Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.
“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”
“You mean a sectional safe,” he suggested!
“Sectional schmectional.” she said shrugging. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
$20 million jackpot
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, ”I want my $20 million.” The man replied, ”No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, ”Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ”Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
Debido a ciertos problemillas, un
Debido a ciertos problemillas, un medico le receta a una mujer testosterona. La mujer vuelve al cabo de unas semanas.
“Doctor, doctor, estoy preocupada por los efectos secundarios que me est� produciendo la testosterona.”
“�Qu� efectos, concretamente?”
“Pues, para empezar, me est� creciendo bastante el pelo en sitios donde nunca antes me hab�a salido.”
“Eso es un efecto perfectamente normal y pasajero de la testosterona. Pero, concrete, �d�nde, exactamente, le ha salido este pelo?”
“En los test�culos…”
How To Write A Term Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can
concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I mean it, as soon
as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the
world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since
the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions: + Pro Bowler’s Tour + any movie starring Don
Ameche + Star Trek.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone
is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.
Father Brown’s Hole-In-One
One bright sunny Sunday morning Father Brown woke up and decided to
himself that he was just to lazy to perform mass, instead a nice relaxing
round of golf sounded better. so he called up his close friend Father
Smith and used the excuse of being too sick, so of course Father Smith
took over.Father Brown gathered his clubs and left for the golf course.
He got there and took pride in his scheme for the course was deserted
because everyone was at church, he was having a rather good game while St.
Peter was watching from above and he said to God, “Are you going to let
him get away with this”? God replied, “Why not.” Father Brown soon was
coming to the 9th hole, which was a very tricky hole, with a par of about
8. He teed off and watched himself make a hole in one. St.Peter was very
disappointed so he turned to God once again and said, “Are you going to
let him get away with that”? And God replied, “Who is he going to tell?”