I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.
Author: admin
Mother In Law
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.”Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
Nookie Green
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”
This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.
“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A Letter Home
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
———————————————————————-
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
200 Bucks
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
‘Hi is Tony home?’
‘No he went to the store.’
‘Well, you mind if I wait?’
‘No come in.’
They sit down and the friend says ‘You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.’
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says ‘They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.’
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says ‘You know your weird friend Chris came over.’
Tony thinks about this for a second and says ‘Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?’
Freaky Test
Think of a number between 1 and 10
Multiply it by 9
If it is a 2 digit number than add the digits
Subtract 5
Determine which letter corresponds to your answer(eg. 1=a, 2=b, 3=c etc.)
Think of a country that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of that country
Think of a animal that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of that animal
Think of a fruit that starts with that letter…….
………Are you thinking of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange? I told it was freaky, at least for me it was. Only 98% think of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange. If not than you’re the 2% that think diferently.
Skeleton Crossed the Road
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn’t have any guts!!!
Yum Yum
Q:How do you make a Swiss roll?
A:you push them down the Alps.
Brain Operation
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he’d have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve just got to marry this woman, I love her so much…”
So the doctor says, “Well, it’s risky, but okay.” So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.
Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, “We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain
instead of 50%.”
The guy looks up and says, “Mama Mia!”
Itch – ouch -itch – ouch.
What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story
building, with a serious case of jock itch.
Head Start.
You heard that Bill Clinton is begging forgiveness of the American People?
Well, now he’s the one on his knees.
What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common?
They’re both making front-page news with their whacker.
When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling
the cookies. Why not dad?
Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies!
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica’s appearance.
“She’s got the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!
How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a
chocolate lab.
What did Bill Clinton say after he was asked if Paula Jones was better than
Monica Lewinsky?
Close but no cigar!
Clinton testified at the Paula Jones deposition he preferred to engage in
sexual activity only on the days that started with
“T”: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday.
What is Bill Clinton’s favorite federal program?
Head Start.
How a man makes love
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
John says, “Well, give me some examples.”
Jill proceeds to tell him, “Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”
“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”
Then Jill said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”
John proceeds to say, “Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo