Q. What do you call a dog with real short legs and steel testicles?
A. Sparky.
Author: admin
Guys attention
yo mamma is so ugly that she has to be coverded in bacon to get a guys attention!!
Superman and Wonderwoman
One day superman is flynig over a city and he sees Wonderwoman sleeping on top of a bulding nude. Superman says to himself” I’m faster than a speeding bullet i can do her like that!” So he goes down and does her and then flys away. 5 minutes later Wonderwoman wakes up and says ” What happened?” Invisible Boy says “i dont know but my ass hurts”
How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
what men hear?
When a woman says:
‘This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do laundry right now, you’ll have no clothes to wear.’
What a man hears:
‘blah, blah, blah, blah, c’mon blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah on the floor, blah, blah, blah, right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes.’
Hunting Buddies
A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
You Know You’re a Whore When……
1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.
Depressed Farmer
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just
as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked
it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.
A gift for his lady
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday.
As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
She moved.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around
the home?
A: She moved.
Blonde jumping off a
There was a blonde, redhead, and a burnette. They all jumped off the building. Which on hit the ground last? The dumb blonde because she had to stop and ask directions.
Learn How to do it
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, OK,” he says, “how a bout a blow job?”
“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”