Yours Fun Portal !
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
a medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little
practice in before the final exams.
he went over to a table where a body was lying face down. he removed the sheet
over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.
figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise,
music began playing “on the road again . . . just can’t wait to get on the road
again . . . “
the student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the
rectum. the music stopped. totally freaked out, the student called the medical
examiner over to the corpse. “look at this. this is really something!” the
student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
“on the road again . . .
just can’t wait to get on the road again … “
“so what?”, the medical examiner replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student’s discovery. “but isn’t that the most amazing
thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student. “are you kidding?” replied the
examiner, “any a****** can sing country music.”
Bill Clinton’s limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to
Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the
limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he
can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go
inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray,
a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what
happened. The driver tells him “I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then
the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in
the Miss America pageant, they left us alone and when I came downstairs the
mother had this bag of cookies for me.
Bill says “What did you tell them?” The driver replies “I told them I was Bill
Clinton’s driver, and that I just killed the pig.”
There’s this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: “I want a woman, I wanna fuck!” “Welcome” , says the owner, ” We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30.” “She’s wonderful”, says the cowboy ,” but I don’t have so much” “No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your underwear!” “She’s pretty, but I don’t have so much.””No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand ’til morning!” “She’s nice, but I don’t’ have…””How much the fuck you have?””Er…a quarter!” “All right: room 22, upstairs.”The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: “I…I think I’ve got a problem.””What about?””Well, you know the young lady in room 22…I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass…””Oh, shit! John !”, screams the owner to his butler, ” go change the corpse in room 22: it’s full again!! “
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”
She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”
En la playa hab�a mucha gente reunida frente a un salvavidas que, desesperadamente, le daba respiraci�n de boca a boca a un infortunado ba�ista a la orilla del mar.
El salvavidas aplicaba la t�cnica de respiraci�n de boca a boca, e inmediatamente un gran chorro de agua sal�a expulsada por la boca del ahogado. Y as�.
Un se�or que casualmente pasaba por el lugar le dice al salvavidas:
“Me permite explicarle como deber�a hacerlo…”, cuando es interrumpido por el salvavidas, quien, de lo mas enojado, le dice: “pero por favor, c�mo me va a decir a m�, c�mo hacer mi trabajo”. Y sigue aplicando la respiraci�n de boca a boca, y de nuevo un gran chorro de agua sale expulsada por la boca del ba�ista.
Y as�, varias veces el se�or queri�ndole explicar al salvavidas, y �ste m�s enojado por las interrupciones. Hasta que, cansado, le cuestiona: “�qu� es lo que quiere?”.
Entonces el individuo le dice al salvavidas: “mire, no dudo que usted sea un excelente salvavidas, pero yo soy ingeniero hidr�ulico, y le digo que si no le saca el culo del agua al ahogado �va a estar bombeando toda la tarde!
Q.What has big ears, a long tail, and a trunk?
A. A mouse on vacation!
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make
you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me, too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well
as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was
running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better
job lately.”
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got
stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was
too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator
*back* into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that
they locked the keys in the truck — so they abandoned it.
Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind
them and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing
liscences.” said the game warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blond, “we aren’t fishing. We
all have mangets at the end of our lines and were collectimg
debris off the botton of the river.”
The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there
were horseshoemagnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I
know of no law against it. Take all the debris you want.” Then
he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing. “What a stupid fish cop!” The third blonde said to the
others, “Dosen’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this
river?!”