Author: admin

THE PERFECT SCAM

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Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply
imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people
place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present
law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So
they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check. However, due
to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”

That’s One

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A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse stumbles and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says, “That’s one.”

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!”

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”

The Top 15 Signs Your Online Romance Is Bogus

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15> Keeps suggesting that you demonstrate the depth of your devotion to each other by exchanging credit card numbers.

14> His IM messages are chockablock with correct grammar usage and impeccable spelling.

13> Subject: “Handsome Nigerian Prince Needs Your Help To Deliver 45M US Kisses”

12> Given [email protected]’s desperate, cheesy come-ons, it’s gotta be fake… right?

11> She claims to be both a pop superstar *and* a virgin.

10> She keeps saying she knows an all-natural, healthy way to increase your manly length by five to ten inches.

9> Says your engagement ring is available “FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!”

8> Small trouble: refers to self in third person.

Big trouble: alternates between “he” and “she.”

7> Strange that a Victoria’s Secret model can get so worked up over a “Star Wars” vs. “Star Trek” debate.

6> Your best friend is also involved with an animated paper clip. Could there be two?

5> “… and then I started Top5, which has brought me international fame and millions of dollars. So what do you do?”

4> He’s the third astrophysicist this week to ask you to forward a picture of your boobs.

3> Responds to your e-mails with “Are you the Nykeela who’s 25 and like walks along the beach or the Nykeela who’s so hot she makes the sun seem like a flickering candle?”

2> “Hello, $RECIPIENT_NAME, you’re like no other $GENDER I’ve ever met. I think I’m falling in $EMOTION with you!”

1> Your 17-year-old hottie slips up and mentions how bad it was in Nam.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A Quick Swim

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Only in Merry Old England

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(actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

A Blonde’s Dream

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One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”

NEWS REPORT!!

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A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.

The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.

It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming…and coming…and coming……

Poking in Church

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A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out “… and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..” She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed “Good God all mighty”.

The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to “… and who died on the cross to save us from our sins…” the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted “Jesus Christ”.

The Minister said “that’s right, That’s Right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to “… and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child” the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off”!

Medical Miracles

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A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put
the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”
An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart
out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The Irishman says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put
into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of
Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

I Ain’t ‘Fraid Of No Ghost

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A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel
problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where
a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets,
throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the
commotion.
“What’s going on here?”
“I don’t know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”

Q: How many Mensans

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Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others’ mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it’s more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.