Dos sacerdotes, que estaban de

Dos sacerdotes, que estaban de vacaciones en Hawai, deciden vestirse de turistas para pasar inadvertidos. Compran camisas floreadas y sandalias y se van a tomar el sol a la playa; en eso, una rubia despampanante, en biquini, pasa junto a ellos y los saluda:

“Buenas tardes, padres”.

Los curas se quedan at�nitos y, antes de volver al hotel, deciden comprarse un atuendo m�s atrevido: pantaloncillos de surfista, playera con estampado batik y gafas obscuras.

Al d�a siguiente, vuelven a la playa y ven a la misma rubia, que en esta ocasi�n lleva un biquini m�s breve.

“Buenos d�as, padres”, los saluda.

Al pasar junto a ellos, la detienen:

“�Un momento se�orita! �C�mo sabe que somos sacerdotes?”

“�Qu� no se acuerdan de m�? Soy la hermana Catalina, la del convento.

Get money to heaven

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can�t take it with you.”After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer�s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Found the Fishing Spot

Two blonds rented a canoe and went fishing on the lake. After waiting an
hour without catching any fish, they decided to go farther down the lake.
After two hours of waiting and not catching any fish, they decided to go
right to the middle of the lake.

After waiting not even 20 minutes, fish were biting and the two blonds
couldn’t believe what was happening.

When the canoe was full they decided to go back home and come back
tomorrow.

Being safe on land, the first blond said, “I hope you marked the spot if
we want to come back tomorrow”.

The second blond replied, “Yes, I marked an ‘X’ at the bottom of the
canoe.”

The first blond replied, “Twit, what if we don’t have the same canoe
tomorrow?”

5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, “I found out my brother is gay.” The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guys says, “I found out my other brother is gay.” The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, “I found out my other brother is gay.” The bartender says, “Doesn’t anyone like pussy anymore?” The guy says, “Yeah, my sister.”

Knock Knock 142

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
O’Shea!
O’Shea who?
O’Shea that’s a sad story!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oslo!
Oslo who!
Oslo down, whats the hurry!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oswald!
Oswald who?
Oswald my chewing gum!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home …!

Funny signs

Sign over a gynecologist’s office “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a military hospital door to endoscopy: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet …. miss car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary we hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a propane filling station: “Tank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Yisman