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Italian honeymoon

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Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.

So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

‘Don’t worry Maria,’ says the mother. ‘Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says his mother. ‘All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs.’

‘Don’t worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot-and-a-half.’

‘Stay here and stir the pasta,’ says the mother. ‘This is a job for Mama!’

Quotes – Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

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  • “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” — singer Mariah Carey.
  • Question: “If you could live forever, would you and why?” Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
  • “Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” –Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22.
  • “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” — David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
  • “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
  • “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
  • “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
  • “Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued… Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.” — Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
  • “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history…this century’s history…We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” — Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
  • “Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.” — Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”.
  • “The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” — Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
  • “I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.” — Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
  • “After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.” — Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
  • “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Computers: Male or Female?

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Una pareja se encontraba sentada

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Una pareja se encontraba sentada y uno dice: “Luis, t�mame de la mano.”

A lo que Luis le responde: “�No!”

“Luis, abr�zame.”

“�No!”

“Luis, b�same.”

“�No!”

“Pero Luis, si todas las parejas se toman de las manos, si todas las parejas se abrazan, si todas las parejas se besan, �Por qu� nosotros no?”

A lo que Luis responde:

“�Porque somos una pareja de policias, Armando!”

Parking ticket

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I was having a bad day. For one thing I hadn�t slept well the previous night because of another loud party next door. On top of that, I felt a cold coming on. So I drove to the neighborhood drugstore, and ran in for a couple of minutes, just to get some cough drops. When I came out, there was a cop, writing a ticket for the expired parking meter.

�Give a girl a break, would you?� I asked him. He ignored me and went on writing. I called him a �pencil-necked Nazi.� He glared at me and began writing a second ticket for the expired city sticker. I called him a �horse�s ass,� and he began writing another ticket–for worn tires!!

I didn�t care. It wasn�t my car, but I�d recognized it as my noisy neighbor�s. I take my fun where I can get it.

Redhead, Brunette & Blonde Robbers

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.