One day a guy got invited over to his girlfriend’s parents house for dinner. He really liked the girl and was set out to impress her parents. When he arrived at the girl’s house he was quickly whisked into the dinning room where they were getting reading to sit down for dinner. He sat down in his chair and the family dog curled up under him. Halfway through dinner the man felt a rumble in his tummy and noticed he had gas. He was very uncomfortable so he let a little bit out hoping no one would notice. As soon as he did, the girl’s father yelled at the dog “Rufus!” The guy thought, hey, this is great and let out a little bit more. Once again, the girl’s father yelled “Rufus!” They guy decided to let all the gas out since the father thought it was the dog. After he let a long fart out, the girl’s father yells at the dog “RUFUS! Get out from under that chair before that man shits on you!”
Author: admin
Tuns of Puns! Part I
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She had her baby in the spring.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he’s back!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up.
How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
With sky scrapers.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
The Darwin Inventions
The three latest stupid technological discoveries:
1.) Solar powered flashlights.
2.) Inflatable dartboards.
3.) Helicopter ejection seats.
The Different Jack and Jill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do a little kissing.
Jack made a move, and grabed her boob,
And now his two front teeth are missing.
Real programmers write readable code,
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
Elephant and Prostitute
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pick-up.
Don’t Be Sexist!
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that!
Better Both Visit the Doctor
This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”
Creation of Florida
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
(Of course, we know God is never missing, but this is a story.)
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquires of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, “For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.
The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass with oceans as it borders and said, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God, “that’s Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!”
God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m sending down from the North every winter!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Finding things in their daughter’s rooms
There were 3 men. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman. They all had a daughter. The Englishman said “I found a bottle of vodka in my daughters room, I didn’t even know she drank!” “That’s nothing” said the Scotsman “I found a pack of cigs in my daughters room, I didn’t even know she smoked!” “That’s nothing” said the Irishman “I found a pack of condoms in my daughter’s room, I didn’t even know she had a dick!”
Kool-aid
Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a red dress, little kids run after her
cause they think she is the kool aid man!
Your mamma
Your momma is so fat that she stepped on a scale and the scale said , “I want your
weight not your phone number”.